I just don’t get the Royal Family

Hang, draw and quarter me


Not everybody wants to obsessively hoard commemorative plates or mugs. Painting your face with the Union Jack and belting “God Save the Queen” doesn’t mean you’re any more British than me.

I’m a relatively level-headed, chilled out person, but I’ve almost ended friendships with people who I deem to be too royal-philic. All my politics student friends tell me, rather eloquently, “It’s completely undemocratic to have an unelected head of state”. They’re so right.

And why do they have to be so damn twee?

I could never get away with having two birthdays

7581731344_2bfb142143_zQueen Elizabeth II has two birthdays. Two. I could never get away with deciding that I wanted another day of “it’s-all-about-me” two months after my original birthday – no matter how hard I tried.

And instead of a knees-up in [W]elly or at your hometown club, we fund a huge party, concert and dinner for very rich, powerful people who could probably afford it themselves. God save the Queen.

The hardest thing they do is watch polo matches

Gorgeous homes, incredible trips away and hob-nobbing with the world’s elite is usually something reserved for the hard-working. Parading around the globe enjoying the luxuries of each country (for free) and cutting ribbons.

It’s a difficult pill to swallow when a lot of us students are wondering if we’re going to be able to pay off our extortionate student loans. I am extremely bitter that my life is not this simple.

Yeah, George is cute, but so are all toddlers

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I guess that it’s kind of taboo to admit that you think ill of a child. And I don’t, I’m with Whitney when I say children are the future. But the whole country is all goggly-eyed whenever Wills and Kate release any pics of their kid.

Obviously he’s very cute. But, with or without a dressing gown how does he manage to upstage Obama? Cuteness is not something mutually exclusive to George. It’s actually a pretty common attribute amongst two year olds.

And none of them go round calling themselves “Prince of Cambridge”.

Buckingham Palace would make great social housing

They have so many residences; gorgeous, grand and very expensive estates. At most there’s about four of them knocking around at a time. Surely they could be put to better use.

I recommend making it social housing or letting the refugees live there. They’ll cost less than the Royals, and it’s the right thing to do.

If we’re going to have a monarch, we should be able to elect them

Maybe have a poll. I mean the British public are obviously erudite enough to make wise decisions – Boaty McBoatface and UKIP being obvious examples.

Imagine if Sir David Attenborough and Mary Berry were made King and Queen. Christmas speeches could be replaced with an Attenborough documentary followed by watching Mrs. Berry bake delicious Christmas biscuits. I would actually buy copious amounts of crockery made in their honour.

Why is our national anthem so crap?

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While I appreciate that we’ll never have an anthem as rousing as ‘La Marseillaise’, our national anthem is appalling. I don’t envisage winning a gold Olympic medal any time soon, but I wouldn’t appreciate that song being played as I tearfully clutched my hard-fought prize.

Let’s have something a bit less sycophantic about how great we are, not just our Queen.

Don’t give me the tourism argument

Britain, with or without a monarchy, will always attract tourism. They might make money, but we have loads of other cool shit to show people.

As long as we have the Lake District , Big Ben and the legacy of Potter, there will never be a shortage of plucky Americans with their cameras. If we don’t want to turn Buckingham Palace into social housing, it would also make an excellent luxury hotel.

They’re not even that entertaining

If there were a cool Game of Thrones-esque power struggle going on between Wills and Harry, I’d be so much more invested.