Every time it’s acceptable to use the new Facebook reactions

Mark Zuckerberg has made our lives even more complicated. 12 years after spear-heading the social media revolution and changing the course of many lives, he’s now made our complex lives even more difficult to navigate. Facebook has changed. Instead of just the humble “like” button, Mr Z and his cronies in Silicon Valley have added five new “emoji” buttons. But when is it acceptable to use them?

Like

The safest button. You know how to “like” something. This used to be for the profile pictures, for the “dank memes” and your friend’s status about how they spent the whole day binge-watching on Netflix and are now questioning the meaning of life.

• New profile pictures of friends: just be polite and like it. We all know that how many likes you get is a sordid, secret way to see how many people think you’re beautiful

• Everyday statuses

• Anything your crush posts: You don’t want to give the game away too much, so this button keeps it nice and casual

Love

The dreaded L-word. They’ve packaged up the most complicated human emotion and put a Facebook spin on it. Like the real thing, the emoji can be a beautiful thing to use, but it can also be extremely emotionally confusing. Just don’t read too much into it:

• New profile picture of bae: Your best friend. And you’re so proud of how damn fine they look in that picture. You’ve told them everything and they’ve told you everything. Facebook approval only solidifies your sisterhood/bromance more.

• New profile picture of the other bae: You know the one. You’re in a committed and romantic relationship with. You’re Facebook official and have been for a while. The ‘love’ emoji should not be used as a way of declaring ‘I love you’ for the first time, rather it should be the affirmation of how happy you are they are in your life. You should not be shy with this emoji especially if you’re in said profile picture (which you should be).

• New Netflix shows: Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, Rupaul’s Drag Race, I could go on. When they release the dates of the return of these wonderful shows, you can see the hours and hours of glorious procrastination roll out in front of you. This is your life now. And you do, indeed, love it.

Haha

Don’t use it sarcastically: I fear the masses of Facebook would not appreciate your wonderful grasp of irony.

• Throwback statuses: The ones from year 11 when you’re complaining about the triple science coursework. Now you’re struggling with 3,000 words at uni, while they’ve moved out of home and have a full time job. You sound so self-obsessed and you cringe every time you read them. Still, they hark back to an easier, more innocent time.

• Throwback photos: You thought you looked so cool five years ago. Jesus your emo phase was not kind to you. But it is hilarious to look at now.

• Funny stuff: It’s a fucking ‘haha’ button.

Wow

The things that amaze you. They make your jaw drop. Touted by social media commentators as being one of the most popular reaction buttons, this one could be a lot of fun to use.

• New and unexpected relationships: While the customary thing is to ‘like’ your friend’s newfound love, wowing it is so much cooler. Also, if they’re pretty commitment-phobic you should display your wonder at them settling down and finding a nice beau to snuggle with at night.

• Amazing things: The definition of wow is “expressing astonishment and admiration”.

• The new reaction emojis: We care about them enough to have written an article about them, so there was obviously a massive reaction on Facebook. ‘Wow’ is the most appropriate – as in ‘wow I’m so confused about how to use these things’.

• Anything to do with Leo winning the oscar: He did it. He finally did it.

Sad

You’ve got to be careful with this emoji and try not to sound too fed up with your lot.

• Anything to do with Rocky not winning the Oscar: Poor Sly Stallone’s resignation at losing out on what was one of the biggest shocks of the night. He looked like a child who had just been told that Santa Clause isn’t real. It was bloody heartbreaking to see.

• Sports results: Sport is a beautiful thing – poetic in its power to induce every human emotion, from ecstasy to very real ugly tears. Steven Gerrard’s 2014 slip (you know the one) should make anyone cry and press the sad reaction button (unless you’re a toffee or a manc).

Angry

Show your anger to the Facebook masses and try and make a difference. You rile people up and stick it to the man with this one. Go crazy with this – what’s the worst that can happen?

• Anything UKIP post: Oh just go away.

• Anything Donald Trump posts: Seriously?

• Universities trying to screw students over: They’ve changed the exam timetable last minute, or are raising accommodation fees, or have given you a 2.2 when you were hoping for a first. We’re just poor, poor students.

• Politicians trying to screw students over: We should be used to it by now. But it still hurts. And it will makes us angry.

• Ex-bae’s new bae’s profile picture: It depends if you want to look psycho – but it would be bloody hilarious to be this obvious about Facebook stalking them. And press that button hard if they are fitter than you are.

• Kesha: EVERYBODY should be up in arms about Kesha being forced to work with that producer. It’s a ridiculous and backwards ruling. #FreedomForKesha.