The emotional stages of breaking up with bae

William Shakespeare famously coined: “The course of true love never did run smooth”, but when that course ends it can be an extremely bumpy ride. Whether they were your first love that came with you to Hull, or just a drunken fling with a fellow Asylum-goer, if they broke your heart seeing them around Cottingham Road is always a tortuous process.

You’ll double, triple and quadruple text them

If they’re heartless pig-headed buffoons or psycho bunny-boilers, you shouldn’t be making any more contact with them – even if they are a sex-god/goddess and it’s freezing outside. It’s also a great way to get over them if you’re still crying into your tear-soaked pillow listening to Adele on repeat every night. Vent to your friends and not to your phone.

You’ll have a drunk DMC in Welly

Often it’s the case in [W]elly or Asylum, you’ve both had too many snakebites and maybe they feel like they can salvage a friendship from the embers of your broken heart. If they try and talk to you, and you haven’t had an opportunity to leg-it and hide and weep in the toilets, you may have to converse with them. Be strong. If ex approaches and says “hi, how are you doing?”, respond with a polite yet curt “I’m fine” (translation: “fuck off you terrible human being”) and walk away. Make sure you look like you’re having copious amounts of fun (and alcohol) and look particularly foxy whilst doing it. 

You’ll feel great when you finally pull someone else

The default mode of “to get over someone one must get under someone” is a tactic employed by many at university. Whilst the satisfaction is palatable if you’re being chatted up in Asylum in front of a particular person, please do it with dignity. And always wear a condom.

And then feel like shit when they pull

If you see them grafting with their pull, glide away from the potential Crime Scene gracefully. It’s a risky strategy to warn their pull they are playing with fire without the ex noticing. Don’t try and cock-block – show how completely non-plussed you are by shimmying onto the sticky Asylum dancefloor. The best way to show how sassy you are is to show how classy you are.

Mark out your territory in the Brynmor Jones

Brynmor Jones is a place of study and of refuge, but if they’re studying here too, you’ll probably end up running into them in the library. Make sure you have a library buddy so you can talk to them and have something else to focus on – awkward eye-contact should be avoided. Get your laptop and phone, try and look academically motivated yet socially engaged. If you’re on the same course (poor you) you MUST get better grades. You are now engaged in a scholarly-charged battle-of-the-break-ups. You WILL win.

You’ll really embarrass yourself on Newland Ave

If you really can’t avoid walking pass them with your groceries in toe, quickly whack out your phone and pretend your texting a really funny 10/10. If you feel physically repulsed if they step within 10 feet of you then (safely) cross the road and whistle on down to hide in Tesco. Try to resist the temptation to give them the two-fingered salute as they saunter past.

You are going to cry on Valentine’s Day, but it’s fine

So you may have had big plans. Plans that involved spending lots of money and making far too much effort. Don’t look on Valentine’s Day as a solemn reminder of what could have been. You may have planned a romantic trip to the Deep followed by a cute cinema date in St. Stephens. Now you have the extra £££, you can buy more chocolate you don’t have to share. They were, in the words of Queen Bey (hallelujah), the best thing you never had.

Win the battle of the break-ups

“When one door closes, another one opens”: open that proverbial door. Read War and Peace, run a marathon and learn another language. Buy some nice shampoo and parade down Newland reveling in your freedom. If you see them at the uni shop, pass them with a “my life is so sorted” skip and a “I’m rather groovy and have nice shampoo” hair swish. Remember you’re not bitter, you’re just better. This new and exciting asexual world is now your oyster.

And always remember “there are plenty more fish in the sea”. Prince Charming or Mrs. Right is probably studying in Brynmor Jones right now, waiting for you to sweep them off their feet and take them to Caffe Gelato.