How you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day

It’s less than two weeks to go, so whether you’re loved up or are rebranding it “Galentine’s Day” this year, here’s what you’ll be doing. Hint: Pizza Express is definitely legit if you’ve been dating less than three months.

If you have a mystery crush

Lovelorn University of Hull students have been given an outlet to express their romantic sentiment through a Facebook crushes page. Students can anonymously post messages to their crushes and then hope Cupid’s bow has hit the object of their affections just as hard. Post to your beloved and pray for a response. This could be the ultimate meet-cute of the modern-age.

If you’re in a new relationship

It’s amazing. It’s all amazing. You’re in love and you’re mapping out your future with your new, amazing squeeze. So now’s the time to impress them. Perhaps a trip to Ann Summers is in order. Buy some sexy lingerie and prepare to impress. Let’s also grab some scented candles to create a certain romantic ambiance. Chocolates, teddy bears and a trip to Pizza Express are also pretty standard while you’re still in the honeymoon phase. You might even channel your inner Philip Larkin and write a poem to your beloved. How did you ever get through Valentine’s Day before? Try not to repulse your forgotten, less-lovable friends during the preparations though.

If you’re in an old relationship 

Shit. It’s that time of year again, and are you really still expected to make an effort? You probably should. You’ll get a card from the Tesco on Newland and then try and source some acceptable flowers – you’ll probably do this on February the 13th.Then it’s over to The Notebook and hope it’s an acceptable way to spend the most romantic day of the year. The trouble is, you’ve actually got reading to do this year, you just don’t have the time for all the romantic spiel that you used to. Plus, you are both completely comfortable making no effort at all: perhaps the best show of love that you can give each other.

It’s complicated

So you’ve been on/off for months and shagging since the second week of university. You’ve both gone on dates with other people and had a few drunken one-night stands after Asylum. Both of you refuse to have “the talk” and now your confronted with the reality of the dreaded “feels”. You’ll try to avoid “That Person” like the plague. You don’t need this right now.

If you’re single and happy

Oh who cares? As far as you’re aware you didn’t need another half to feel whole. In fact, it’s kind of funny to watch the mad rush of all those with strings attached. You can stay in, have some food, so some work and sleep. It’s just a normal day. And if you were in love, you wouldn’t feel the need to express it on a holiday that has been created purely for commercial gain. So sit back, and laugh at how sorted (and cheap) your single life is.

If you’re single and seeking

You’re going to go out on the prowl. You will channel your inner lioness to find your prey. You’re fed up of all you’re housemates’ girlfriends/boyfriends using the washing machine – but really you’re failing to accept your inescapable loneliness. Why doesn’t anyone want you? You’re mum always said anyone would be lucky to have you. Grab your other single mates and hit the town hard. Dress up to the nines and look drop-dead gorge. Today will be the start of your fairytale.