I spent a night with the toast hosts of [W]elly to see how much of a pain we really are

It was the usual Welly Thursday, except this time I wasn’t stumbling out and heading to grab some free toast from the Vineyard Church – I was working there.

I started the night at about 1am with Kanyi Gabiro and Simon O’Hagan, who were on-duty for the night’s mission. HQ was the small yet compact side-room – dubbed the drunk-room – adjacent to the club. Simon and Kanyi set up the toast, got the kettle boiled and opened the biscuits. They gave me a cup filled with biscuits (a make-do job as we had forgotten the plates) and a quick outline of what I was meant to do.

The drunken revelers started to make an appearance about half an hour later. It was an interesting mix of gratefulness and disbelief. “You’re giving me custard-creams for free? I love you,” gushed one Welly-goer.

As often is the case when too much alcohol as been consumed, emotions are heightened. Not only do the “toast-hosts” provide food and a hot beverage, but also an ear for you to discuss your drunken argument with your friends. Interestingly, displays of unconditional altruism are met with trepidation by many.

When in the drunk room, Simon and Kanyi often find they’re just having a chat with them: Kanyi aptly describes it as “love in action”. Sometimes they are just wanting an argument – something that was evident on Thursday night.

As the night began to roll on, more and more people poured out of the club. Teas and coffees were handed out, and the custard creams became ever-more popular. One Welly-dweller even started stripping in his excitement at being given two biscuits.

It was interesting being “on-the-other-side” – not stumbling out the club myself. It was shocking to see how drunk people can get: the drunk-room became fuller and fuller. One guy looked like he needed to go to hospital.

Second year Simon often helps out with the toast host. He told me he’s had a few interesting experiences when helping drunken clubbers: “There was once this guy, he was being really affectionate to me, and it was quite uncomfortable. He had his head near my crotch.”

He also has a good experiences with the Welly bouncers. Apparently one of them “tries to hook me up with people on the way out”.

It surprises me that not a lot of people know about the toast and the biscuits given out on a Thursday night. A sit-down in a fairly warm and safe environment can make all the difference when you’re that drunk. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say Simon, Kanyi and the team are life-savers on a Thursday night.