How to survive your parents visiting you at uni
Easily more stressful than any deadlines
Connie FredricksonOur uni existence is completely detached from our cushty life at home. We embrace the takeaways, parties and of course our independence.
But there comes a time, often about six weeks into the term, where mum and dad want to come and visit to see how their “little munchkin” is doing. When these two worlds collide, we often have to use our wiles to talk ourselves out of certain compromising positions.
Can’t wait for you to visit mum
Your bedroom
It’s probably a complete mess, a disgrace to all things clean and respectable. We promised them we’d keep it tidy. We haven’t. Don’t fear though. Dash around the room, shove all that clutter in the wardrobe.
Once you can actually see the carpet (who knew it was that shade of blue) quickly whizz round with the hoover.
A made bed makes all the difference. We find a nice touch is purposely displaying your bed-time reading, showing how erudite and cultured you’ve become. Pride and Prejudice anyone?
Whistle while you work: chuck it all in the emergency clutter bin, i.e. the humble wardrobe
Good Housekeeping magazine heart your heart out
Diet and alcohol
With the average student putting on two stone (yikes) in the first year of university, it’s likely the total nutritional value of your diet is akin to the total number of teetotal students. Hide all the empty vodka bottles and takeaway boxes. If you don’t have time, blame it on your housemates. Don’t feel guilty: they will, in turn, blame you when their parents visit.
Your student diet: impress them with fruit, a wholegrain bloomer and some milk
DON’T tell them how much your drinking. Run to Tesco to buy some “healthy” looking groceries, and cash in some brownie points by buying some fresh milk so you can impress them with a “welcome to Hull” cuppa.
Your sex life
Preparation is key with this one, in case they decide to arrive early. A Psychology student, who wishes to remain anonymous, had one such memorable experience when her mum surprised her by arriving earlier than expected.
“I almost shit myself panicking about where the hell to hide my sex toys. I grabbed a Tesco bag and shoved my bullets and vibrators and other unmentionables into it.” She then proceeded to throw said bag of goodies outside the window of Taylor Court: “I honestly feel bad for whoever found the bag. I didn’t exactly own the most conventional array of toys.”
Hide everything. All adult gear should be hidden – and well hidden unless you’re prepared to explain the term “fuck-buddy”. You should probably rip the incriminating pulling poster off the wall too.
All evidence of Pulling Posters and Chunder Charts must be hastily destroyed
Any incriminating evidence can always be thrown out the window
Your flatmates
While you alone can keep up appearances, your flatmates can often let you down. If you are stupid enough to take your parents out on a Wednesday night, be prepared to explain why so many are dressed up in the ridiculous attire we are so used to.
If you decide to frequent a pub with said parents, also be prepared to explain the interesting toilet habits of students, as often the concept of different toilets for different sexes is completely disregarded.
If you can, convince your parents to meet you in a pleasant and civilised hotel, stay away from Newland and enjoy their visit.