Everyone knows Needler wish they were in The Lawns
Halls: home to a plethora of different characters from across the country, all united in their love of Hull uni. But each hall is home to its own, unique type of fresher: from the wannabe BNOCS at Lambert, to the #whitegirlwasted at Downs, here’s what your halls say about you.
The Lawns
Lambert
Lambert Hall is a magnet for those who perpetuate your stereotypical uni guy. With the promise of being the most sociable place to spend the first year, they will come to The Lawns, be loud and throw eggs at you as you pass their block. They will also endeavour to spend most nights getting “boozy woozy” in the Lawns Bar, screaming inaudible rubbish at the football, and analysing each other’s activities throughout the week.
The word “banter” makes up 90 per cent of their vocabulary, and they insist on hosting pre drinks every week, where you will be forced to play degrading drinking games which make little sense, such as “touch cup”, or the dreaded “never have I ever”.
FRESHAAAA
Ferens
Prepare to be inundated with boring people who think they’re better than you. They’re smug, middle class, and play some obscure instrument no one cares about at daft o’clock in the morning, when you’re nursing your standard Welly hangover.
They will complain when you come home late at night and make the slightest noise, passive aggressively report you to your warden instead of just asking you to be quiet, and look down on your meal of beans and chips like it’s Satan himself, while consuming yet another one of their unnecessarily complicated meals.
They hate everyone. Thank god we’re not all like that.
Reckitt
It wouldn’t be The Lawns without a few complicated love triangles and affairs thrown into the mix. The result of either a drunken encounter at Asylum or way too much sexual tension when passing each other on the stairs, there is sure to be some kind of carnal involvement going on in your block. If you say no one you are living with has at least gotten off with someone else in your block, you’re lying.
The Lawns is notorious for freshers pairing off to form sickeningly sweet couples you’re forced to watch snog on the kitchen table, or the girl from Reckitt fooling around with the boy from Lambert, so be prepared for what has been described by one resident as “incestuous block activity”. Be sure to stay away from this pseudo-romantic way of life if you want to be able to look your neighbour in the eye ever again.
Morgan
These are the people who populate the rest of The Lawns, although you wouldn’t know it. They stay in their rooms primarily, and the only glimpse you get of their existence is when they change their profile picture on Facebook.
They are dull, quiet and cannot sustain their existence without the catered facilities of The Lawns Centre. They fail at preparing even a Pot Noodle and are less than ready for the real world.
Downs
The typical social justice blogger or Twitter addict, she will do anything in her power to seem quirky and individual. She will spend hours quoting liberating feminist poetry to you whether you like it or not.
The typical Downs girl will do anything for attention, because however much she strives to be “not like other girls”, it seems the other girls are the ones who get the guy she so desperately wants. She will fill this void with alcohol and get “white girl wasted” to forget her problems, while instagramming the whole event using her selfie stick.
Nicholson
Nicholson Hall are the self catered block at The Lawns, and therefore have to be a tiny bit more independent than everyone else. They don’t have their meals provided and prefer gourmet chicken dippers to the school dinners served at the Lawns Centre.
As a result, the state of the kitchens are atrocious. Cleaned on a daily basis, the inhabitants of Nicholson still manage to create a bio-hazard in their sink with every unwashed pot. Your bread/cheese/butter has mould on it? Scrape it off. The floor is stickier than a dance floor, and if you haven’t had a hygiene notice then you don’t belong here.
Thwaite
These are usually the stereotypically devilishly handsome, posho rugby boys, who all seem to call Thwaite Hall home, but it’s more like Heartbreak Hotel. They’ve completed probably one of the six essays they’ve been set this semester, and the figure on their bank balance is even more dire than their attendance. No matter though, Mummy can always send over the odd £200 to tide them over until loan day.
They go clubbing almost every night and turn up to lectures looking less than fresh, if at all. Their life at home is all, more than likely, a fabrication of the goals they never quite fulfilled at sixth form, telling ridiculous stories in an attempt to pull yet another girl. They will have sex with anything they can find and leave a trail of broken hearts in their wake.
Taylor Court
Taylor Court is an odd mix of Medics, International students, and those who don’t really fit in anywhere else.
The International student is attracted to Taylor Court by the longer contracts and proximity to the university. The Medics have long contact hours, tonnes of assignments and zero chance to go clubbing anywhere but their literal doorstep: our beloved SU, Asylum. They live at Taylor Court for the convenience of rolling out of bed into a lecture, and you’d be pushed to find them anywhere more than 10 minutes outside of campus.
But for those who are neither International nor Medics, Taylor Court houses the most bitter of students, and they’ll get unnecessarily angry if you suggest they are either one of those. Taylor Court is also the least sociable halls – another thing which winds all of its residents up.
Needler
The hall famed for starting life as an insane asylum. There’s only really one group of people living here who have made themselves known to the masses of Hull University: the clearing lot.
These are the kids who never wanted to come to Hull at all, but ended up here anyway. They missed their offers for their firm and insurance choices on results day and ended up in what is arguably the least cushty accommodation. They get incredibly defensive when you mention they came through clearing and will insist they came here through choice, even though we all know they didn’t.
P.S. They wish they lived at The Lawns.