How to get a boyfriend

A definitive guide to the male brain

This is a sequel to the “controversial” article How to get a girlfriend.

Now that you know how to get a girl to go out with you, it’s about time you learned how to find the man of your dreams in the large pond that is Glasgow Uni.

Show him the slightest bit of attention at all

If you follow this step, you’ll have a boyfriend in no time. It makes no difference if he’s staring at you from across the subway, stalking you while you work at Starbucks or constantly talking to you on Snapchat.

Okay, it’s maybe not that simple for most, and some people need plain-as-day encouragement that a gentleman suitor is interested in them:

Signs that a guy is into you

Perhaps even more complex than grafting one of Glasgow’s most eligible bachelors is figuring out whether or not they’re into you in the first place.

  1. If you’re asking this, he’s probably into you
  2. Yes, even if he already has a girlfriend
  3. Yes, maybe even if he’s gay
  4. Unless the Tinder messages he sends are strictly platonic

Hopefully, this prep-work will prepare you for the next stage.

Probably into you

Don’t be afraid to make the first move

This will make it a hell of a lot easier on everyone. If you make up some clearly fake reason to message him, then he should be able to tell that you’re interested. Taking into consideration all his experience of trying (and failing) to graft girls, he will immediately recognise when his own tactics are being used on him.

You might think that the obvious approach is a mistake but it is anything but. It’ll give him the confidence to graft back, knowing that he most likely won’t end up being rejected and embarrassing himself.

Laugh at his shite jokes

The vast majority of men are insecure (unless he’s an over-confident tool). There are two routes for a guy to get laid – to either be good looking or funny. The less “conventionally attractive” he is, the more he has to compensate. If you want to discreetly let him know you’re into him, laugh at his jokes. It is physically impossible to overuse the crying-with-laughter emoji at this stage of the graft.

Practise that laugh and flippy hair

Maintain consistent contact

If you’ve made your move and he seems to be grafting back then it’s important to keep in touch on a regular, if not daily, basis. The dirty truth about men is that they are annoying, needy and paranoid (I don’t know why you’d want to go out with one, really) so a day without contact in the graft-stage can potentially destroy their confidence. Your “relationship” is only as good as the last time you talked to each other but there’s a way to gauge how potentially fragile he is – it’s proportional to the amount of time he’s been single.

He’ll ask you out – probably over text (and then tell everyone he did it face to face)

The male mind is a toxic minefield plagued with insecurity and raging hormones. He’ll want to make the move to officially ask you out so he can massage his ego. When he does (and if you say yes), his self-esteem will be soaring for weeks after.

But wait

This is all fine and dandy if you fancy someone but, I’m told, girls get grafted more often than do the grafting. As a result, there are a lot of guys who take signs the wrong way and end up embarrassing themselves. If any man says he’s never been knocked back then he’s either the only man in a colony of women or (more likely) he’s a fucking liar.

So, how do you deal with a guy who doesn’t seem to get the gentle hint that you’re not interested? If you continue with the kind and discreet approach, he’ll just keep embarrassing himself and say you led him on. If you tell him to his face that you’re not interested, he’ll feel like you’re a cold-hearted douche. You can’t win.

Don’t lead him on

I warned you before: men are annoying, and. The only option you have is to get rid of him. As in permanently. As Chicago mobster Paul Ricca would say:

“Make-a him go away”

For this you’ll need:

  1. An ice pick
  2. A shower
  3. A saw
  4. A pair of pliers
  5. Several heavy-duty bin bags
  6. Duct tape
  7. A car
  8. A shower curtain

I’ll let you figure out the exact details of your murderous plan yourselves.

Whatever route you decide to take, good luck.

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