How to fit in in Glasgow’s West End

So, you want to learn how to be a true Glasgow West Ender? You’ve come to the right place.

The infamous accent? Check. The hipster clothes? Check. The specially-sourced coffee with a meal of avocado, poached eggs and sourdough bread? Check.

The West End stereotype is a way of life. Just remember these key points and don’t forget to tell people at every given opportunity that you go to Glasgow Uni (the best university in Scotland) then you’ll be off to a good start.

The accent

There’s no point in going to Glasgow Uni if you don’t sound the part – people need to know that you are a student here and the best way to do that is by changing your accent. A key tip: overly pronounce your words and forget that you went to public school – think Jaime Private School or Thomas Gray.

Hipster cafés

It’s time to wave goodbye to Starbucks and Costa because, from now on, it’s only the finest Artisan coffee for you. You’ll need to frequently mention that it’s “perfectly roasted” and how the “beans come from a Colombian farm which is totally organic and sustainable”. In reality you’ll miss your “basic” Pumpkin Spiced Latte, but never admit it publicly – you’re better than that now.

No more Starbucks for you

Socialising

You and the rugby boys have a night out but where do you go? There’s only one place to be: the best club not only in Glasgow, but the world – Viper. You’ll totally love it because it’s full of like minded, intellectual individuals like you and none of the dregs of society that you’ll find in JellyBaby or Kokomo.

Guys, forget about football because it’s all about rugby and lacrosse now – football is for the common man.

No tweed? Just leave

Food

Did you know that you can have avocado for every meal? Well, you’d better learn because they are a staple part to any posho’s diet. Additional ways to gain acceptance in this community is by being vegan or eating gluten free meals when you’re not intolerant. The only food you’re allowed to buy is from M&S, Waitrose or quaint grocery shops. Don’t even think about hitting the Tesco reduced aisle.

We’ll allow Tesco on this occasion

Clothing

Now, this is potentially the most important part because it’s all good following the previous steps but you’ll need to dress the part too. You’ll need to learn how to shop in thrift shops, the lads will need to buy a tweed jacket and girls need to be sure to get the oversized denim jackets out.

A good place to find a plethora of posh clothing is the vintage shop on Great Western Road. Everyone must make sure to purchase their Fjallraven Kanken or Jansport backpacks as soon as possible.

Double wankerness

Stay in the West End bubble

I mean, why leave the West End – everything you need is there, right? You can shop online and CineWorld is way too mainstream for you to venture into town. And, let’s face it, the Subway is for the less fortunate. In reality it’s because you know that you’re not cut out for the roughness of Glasgow but no-one needs to know that.

Who needs Sauchiehall Street when you have Ashton Lane?

There you have it. Just don’t leave your West End flat without following these key points.

You didn’t choose the West End stereotype – the West End stereotype chose you.