Being a “ned” was seriously underrated

Have you ever seen a guy eat dog shit for a 10-pack of fags and shoot a firework out of their arse? I’m guessing not, but being a ned meant that this was just a standard weekend out.

Being a ned has given me some of the best childhood memories, so here are the key reasons why you should have been a ned when growing up.

The clothes

On a cold night you could get your trackies on, tuck them into your socks and pull on your best Berghaus or Helly Hansen jacket and go out on the bevy. These were both comfortable and practical – running away from the police? There’s no chance they’re catching you in your AC Milan football trackie and Lacoste trainers.

The memories

Sharing the latest disses on our Sony Ericssons; staying up all night chatting to people on MSN; moaning about what order our top-16 was on Bebo;  deciding what girl we were going to give our “love” to that day and, best of all, unlike this new generation, we actually went outside and socialised. We didn’t all have X-Boxes or PlayStations which meant we would spend our time out playing football, having a laugh and creating lasting memories.

Cheap nights out

You can forget about Viper, Kokomo or Bamboo – none of them can beat spending a fiver on a bottle of Mad Dog or Buckfast and being “MWI” all night. There was no need for a taxi home either – you would simply walk back and try to act sober when you see your parents. Monster Munch Pickled Onion crisps and a “sore head” were always essential in not getting caught (sorry mum).

There were always plans

On the Friday you would all meet up around 5/6pm and head out for the night. There wasn’t a need for plans – all that mattered were your mates and that you had something to drink. Luckily someone also had an “empty” at some point of the weekend which meant one thing: a house party.

When they didn’t have a party, you would just head down to one of your designated drinking spots, and you would always be guaranteed a good night. Now everyone has work/kids/exams and actually getting a date sorted for a night out only becomes more and more difficult.

The music

Personally, I have no idea how kids these days can have a party with Bieber’s or 1D’s latest tracks. The real parties were when you’d chuck on the latest Clubland anthems and danced all night to Scooter and Darren Styles. Oh, you can’t wait to hear Bastille’s new song? Fuck off and stick on some Gary McF and DJ Bad Boy.

The downsides

Yeah, there’s always a few downsides to being a ned – that young team tattoo you got when you were 16/17 isn’t cool anymore, nor is the scar you got on your thigh when you accidentally sat on a bottle of Buckie on the way to T in the Park. But, it’s the memories that count and I don’t regret any of it. Okay, well, maybe the tattoo…