Everything that will happen to you on a Viper Wednesday

Viper Wednesdays: the holy grail for all sports societies.

Whether you’re part of a society, or you’re one of many that 100 per cent that lie and pretend to be one, where else would you go for your mid-week fun? Free entry for anyone in the fencing society? Yup. That’s me.

This is everything that can and will happen on a Wednesday night Viper.

Pre-drinks always end ridiculously early so you can make the free entry

You literally have to finish your drinks and be ready by the front door for 10:52pm, because you know full well the queue will be ridiculous in the build up to 11:30, and there is no way in hell you are paying the £3 entry. Cheapskate.

Because of this, you get ridiculously fucked

Who doesn’t love the aftermath of downing half a bottle of wine in approximately 32 seconds? “See it aff” becomes somewhat of a battle cry.

You cry when you see the queue

You are just a teeny ant in the midst of giant rugby lads.

You pretend to be part of a society to get free entry

Just because I’m not athletic does not mean I don’t deserve a free night out. We live in a democracy, I will not be silenced! And anyway, isn’t ski club just organised mass drunkenness? Because if so, then I am a very active member of GUSSC. Plus, that £3 could get me a double so I will lie every time at the door.

Only one of us is in a sport soc

You will feel like you’re in the rugby scrum

The boys are sweet and probably mean well, but no one likes to be crushed in the middle of three huge, sweaty men. Well, most people.

You can’t recognise people coz they’re always in fucking fancy dress

Like every fucking week. I’m now officially bored of being hit in the face with lady bird wings. Guaranteed you will meet someone sporting a cardboard box something or other, and someone else with face paint. How are you meant to know that the man in a torn tutu and pink sparkly wig who bounds up to you and borderline assaults you is actually just George from your Family Law seminar?! Once one person has facepaint – ya’ll have facepaint.

OAPs or students?!

You spend at least twenty minutes having a DMC with the toilet attendants

Don’t think that she doesn’t care about your life, because she really does – and will be waiting patiently on her throne of lollipops next week to hear the latest on that guy you slept with but can’t find the strength to message asking for your only pair of VS pants back (you knew you would regret wearing them). FYI the toilet lady is called Antonia and she da real MVP.

ANTHONIAAAAA

You will bump into everyone you have ever met (and shagged)

You might as well just raise your hand in the air, start waving it about and just keep it there for the entire night because you will be screaming “OMG HEY” all night long. Unfortunately, Viper is small so if you bump in to a previous shag we recommend pretending to be too drunk to remember them. Or else just BE too drunk to remember them. Easy.

Vomit will 100 per cent feature as part of the night

Whether you did the deed or it was someone else, you will at some point need to factor in vomit and how to avoid falling in it.

Your outfit will get ruined by the amount of alcohol spilt all over it

Do I look like I want to go for the wet ‘n’ sticky look? No? THEN CONTROL YOUR LIMBS. Just as a precaution, neck all drinks at the bar.

You will witness at least one person getting chucked out by the bouncers

It doesn’t matter if you swear you’re sober, they’re not going to believe you. Just leave whilst you still have an ounce of dignity.

You will go outside for a smoke and wave at the poor humans still waiting in the queue

The poor humans thought that they could definitely risk turning up at 11:33pm, they have massively underestimated the popularity that is Viper Wednesdays, and thus they will stand outside the entire night, whilst you boogy on down to Major Lazer and have the time of your bloody life.

BBQ Kings will be the post night out food of choice

I will embrace my greasy portion of chips and cheese with open arms and worry about artery problems later. There’s something very satisfying about seeing the sporty people crack under The Kings Pressure. One of us, one of us….

This is also where the last minute pull will take place

What is more romantic than having that last minute smooch outside BBQ Kings? You saw, you conquered, and you don’t give a damn.

Same time next week?

Written by: Megan Dye, Aileen Booth, Ruth Munro, Lia Renna, and Jenna Macfarlane