Viper will always be a better night out than Hive and you all know it

Hive may be bigger, it may be closer for the majority – but it is certainly not better than Viper.

Here are just a few reasons why your night out to Viper will be so much better than a night out to Hive:

There’s no chance you’ll lose your friends in Viper

Let’s be honest, Viper is the closest a club is ever getting to a house party. And everyone loves house parties. Why? Because everyone’s in the same place, everyone is absolutely blazing – there’s friendly faces all around and there’s some bastard sat in the corner trying to blaze tunes on their phone with a pair of shitty speakers they smuggled in. Everyone is in their happy place, feeling safe and secure.

Look everyone’s bailed to Viper

Viper is the perfect layout, there’s one bar, a handful of booths, one dance floor and one set of toilets. Job done. There’s no way your losing anyone in there because well, the only mates you do lose have managed to pull whilst trying to crash a fag off someone in the smoking area. Which is totally fine because the Viper bouncers are so sound that there’s no way in hell they would let your mate go home with someone who is not suitable for them. Everyone’s taken care of.

Hive however is a completely different story. You will get lost at least three times trying to navigate what feels like the fucking Titanic -trying to get from the dance floor to some god forsaken toilets. You will lose at least a third of your friends in Hive every time you go without fail because, it’s Hive and it’s to be expected.

Cause of death: lost with no signal and no Wi-Fi in The Hive

So you’ve lost all yer pals in Hive and the only way in hell you’re going to find them is if you have access to Marauder’s Map.

Search parties in clubs are usually the same drill no matter where you are. Squad member A tries phoning the lost buggers phone, which of course they’ll never pick up, until their own phone dies. Squad member B will mount squad member C in order to get a birds eye view of the dance floor and find the strays. Squad members D and E will break from the group- link their great arms for life, and scour back to back through the dance floor to carry out a hands on search and squad member F will scream from the top of their lungs the little lost lambs name until they pass out.

Usually, the lost squad member will be found within ten minutes and it’ll be back to the bar for celebratory shots and a bloody catch up.

This will not be the case in Hive. There’s no signal and there’s no Wi-Fi. Bearing in mind it’s 2016, I really have no idea how this happened. I can only assume, the designers wanted to stick as far as possible to the Titanic theme and make any chances of survival in an emergency a challenge for us all.

Reunited with the lost lamb

The Hive music never seems loud enough

One of my friends told me that the only thing going through her head on the dance floor in Hive is how much it reminds her of being in a school disco and I couldn’t agree more. The music is shit, it doesn’t seem loud enough and there’s a rowdy bunch of muppets trying to show off on the stage while the bouncers try and calm them down.  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m certainly over the shitty school disco phase now.

Hive school disco wanker

The smoking area craic in Viper is unrivaled

Now I know that the smoking area of Viper is nothing spectacular because there isn’t really one. You just walk outside the front door and get the chance to catch the ultimate craic from the bouncers and try to balance on the piled up seats from the crafty pig which is perfect.

The Hive is smoking area is not perfect. First you’ve got to find them which takes ages, then you’ve got to make your way up a flight of stairs, which does not bode well with smokers. Once you’ve finally reached your destination, your faced with a lonely ally way thing and you’re trying to figure out what the best escape route home is.

The post night-out food is better after Viper

After you’ve spent your perfect night in Viper, you end it with the perfect kebab from BBQ Kings. After you’ve spent your horrific night in Hive, you immediately get your hopes up that everything will not be doom and gloom if you can get your hands on a kebab. But you can’t, because there’s no fast food places near the Hive let alone next door to it. If someone told me that at the end of my night out, there would be no chance of a kebab afterwards – I would simply tell them, that was a really uncalled for joke. If you go out to Hive this is no joke. You will go home kebab-less, friendless and hopeless.

Do the right thing, leave the Hive and get yourself into the cosy Viper pit.