These are the people who want your votes on May 7th

They look dead behind the eyes


The election is next week and these candidates want your vote.

Are you going to give them what they want? Here’s a little bit about them.

Make up your mind and make your vote count on May 7th.

Christopher Young, Liberal Democrats

Glasgow Central Candidate

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Key policies: Calling themselves the party for education this election, which is ironic

Our prediction: They’ll crash and burn, especially in Scotland

Vote for him if: You really enjoy paying fees for uni and love being lied to

Jade O’Neill, Lib Dems

Glasgow North Candidate

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Key policies: Says they’re willing to be in a coalition with any party, we tell them to respect yourself and find a party who treats your right

Our predictions: Snow in August is more likely. Although with the weather at the moment anything is possible

Vote for her if: You too can form a coalition with anyone

Ann McKechin, Scottish Labour

Glasgow North Candidate

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Key policies: Making sure to beat the Tories and invest in the NHS

Our Predictions: We feel like she’s a bit of a waffler. Her leaflets don’t mention much apart from making sure Tories aren’t the biggest party in Government come May 8th. What’s in it for us Ann?

Vote for her if: You also like to waffle

Anas Sarwar, Scottish Labour

Glasgow Central Candidate

Anas Sarwar GB Labour PPC Glasgow Central

Key policies: Again, beating the Tories is kind of a big deal, but so is this guy

Our predictions: Sarwar succeeded his father in 2010, who was the first ever Muslim MP, those are big boots to fill and if he’s elected again, Anas might be able to do it

Vote for him if: You’re working class and desperately striving for equality at all costs

James Marris, Cannabis is Safer than Alcohol Party (CISTA)

Glasgow Central Candidate 
James
Key policies: Pretty self explanatory really. Free the weed.

Our prediction: James is a fresher at Strathy so we reckon at least a few of his mates will vote for him. You should vote for him too if all you really care about is weed being legalised, not about other issues like the NHS or higher education being £9000 a year. You know, priorities.

Vote for them if: You love chronic

Russell Benson, CISTA

Glasgow North candidate

Russell Benson

Key policies: To make cannabis legal, not sure if they want to make alcohol illegal though

Our prediction: As a fellow Glasgow Uni wanker I’m sure the stoners of our great institutions will be voting his way

Vote for them if: 420 blaze it

Martin Bartos, Scottish Greens

Glasgow North Candidate

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Key policies: Just generally being economically friendly and efficient, with a spotlight on defending local shops and preserving green spaces. Because Glasgow is the perfect climate to put outdoor green spaces to good use

Our prediction: The irony of a paper leaflet by the Greens is not lost on us. We hope that paper was made out of recycled plastic cups, Martin. If you don’t send an email instead next time we’ll be disappointed

Cass McGregor, Scottish Greens

Glasgow Central Candidate

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Key policies: Just like her Glasgow North counterpart McGregor strives to defend local shops and green spaces in Glasgow

Our predictions: With a background in working with chronic pain management we think McGregor could be just the lady to help save our country from the catastrophic coalition

Vote for them if: You recycle and like the smell of freshly cut grass

Patrick Grady, SNP

Glasgow North Candidate

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Key policies: Being a badass nationalist and making sure there are tonnes of SNP MPs so that we can overrun the English and takeover the world. Oh, and more SNP in Westminster means a stronger voice for Scotland

Our prediction: Patrick has the face of a man who’s mother hasn’t yet told him Santa isn’t real. We hope for his sake no harm comes to his innocence during the upcoming election. We do think his friendly face will work in his favour

Vote for him if: You hate Westminster but want to be part of it

Alison Thewliss, SNP

Glasgow Central Candidate

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Key policies: Being an advocate for Scottish independence, she’ll attempt to take the seat of the current councillor for Glasgow Central, Anas Sarwar

Our predicitions: Sarwar seems like a popular guy. Maybe she’ll start handing out free packets of chocolate buttons to win favour with voters. Keep an eye out folks

Vote for them if: You hate all other political parties

Lauren Hankinsson, Scottish Conservative and Unionist

Glasgow North Candidate

Lauren-Hankinson

Key policies: Cutting taxes and keeping Alex Salmond out of Downing Street. That’s a bit of an awkward one since Salmond ruined it for himself when he resigned as leader of the SNP last year

Our predictions: Her sweet complexion might have some of you fooled but we just need to look at past Scottish elections to see the Tories have no place in Scotland

Vote for them if: Austerity turns you on

Simon Bone, Scottish Conservative and Unionist

Glasgow Central Candidate

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Key policies: Simon has already launched a free service in Glasgow to help locals start their own businesses. He also volunteered for three months to helo the better together campagin against Scottish independence

Our predictions: We think Simon looks like an evil genius who look good for a while in the movies but they never actually win. We’re watching you Bone, always

Vote for them if: You like paying taxes on your bedroom and looking at David Cameron’s shiny red forehead

Stuart Maskell, UKIP

Glasgow Central Candidate

Not even the UKIP website has his picture: this man might not exist.

Stuart

Key policies: Basically just get rid of immigrants and the like. Pretty sure that means students from overseas aren’t welcome. Awkward

Our predictions: We’re not so sure UKIP are that popular among Glasgow’s working class inhabitants but we shall see

Vote for them if: Pints and fags in Essex pubs with just white people is your life ambition

Jamie Robertson, UKIP

Glasgow North Candidate

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Key policies: Again with the “looking into” immigration. Rude.

Our predictions: Fingers crossed people make an informed decision when it comes to election day

Vote for them if: Nigel Farage is your style icon