I’m not crying, you are: we asked you about your wildest Exeter nights out and you did not disappoint

‘The neighbours reported us for public defecation’

Lockdown in the UK has meant that no one has been able to go on a night out in months. You probably can’t even see your uni mates, let alone go out on a massive bender with them.

We all wish we could go back to a simpler time – like getting absurdly pissed on Tiki Fires in TP, or dancing with the Sax man in Fever. I think we can all agree this is much more appealing than getting sloshed in a field like you’re 15 again on your fifth socially-distanced picnic of the week, or living it up in your local village pub.

Realistically, no one has a bloody Scooby-Doo what’s going on at the moment. The clubs probably won’t even be open when we get back to Exe and freshers may even have rules imposed on them about having parties and people staying over in halls (Yikes!).

In the mean time, we asked Exeter students to elaborate on some of their wildest nights out at uni, and boy you served up some absolute treats:

“Two weeks into first year, I spent the night in A&E with a lad, before leaving with a different lad”

Is it just me or did anyone else not realise that A&E was such a hotspot for pulling?

“We made a TikTok with a TP bouncer”

An icon.

“My best mate shat himself on the way to Unit 1. He stopped to clean himself up with some leaves and ditch his boxers. Unfortunately, some surrounding neighbours saw this, and reported us for public defecation. Two minutes later, estate patrol stopped us on the pavement and took our details. We both got disciplinary’s three weeks later, all because my mate sharted”

He tried to clean himself up with…leaves???

“I fell down the TP stairs five times in one night and woke up the next morning covered in blood”

Those stairs are actually a death trap!

“My friend was desperate for the toilet on the way to SSB so she did a wee on the bus”

You can’t stop the inevitable…

“My housemate ended up in an ambulance and a broken knee after a Sunday night in the Vaults”

Image may contain: Night Club, Night Life, Club, Person, Human

That is one WILD Sunday night.

“I tried to walk home alone after Quids in, but was so messy that I ended up two miles down on the A30”

How on earth did you manage that?

“I got hit by a car and then woke up on the floor of a flat with no shoes or bag”

So many unanswered questions here?

“I got shit-faced in the Ship and crashed a wedding party”

Bet they must have loved that!

“My mate got arrested by four policemen outside TP after jumping on the back of a moving lorry”

A bold move, I must say.

“I woke up in a doorway opposite M&S with some homeless people. I had to call my flat mates so they could come and collect me”

Ultimately just very confused about this one.

“I defocated in a kitchen bin”

Because that’s completely normal.

“I went out with a laundry basket on my head, running around screaming ‘I’m a dirty girl, wash me'”

Dirty girls like dirty beats???

“Tried switching up my drinks at pres. Next thing I know, I woke up at 5am with a black eye and a massive graze on my face. I later found out I had left the club early and fell down the stairs trying to get into my flat. Turns out I got concussion and fractured my sinus, which meant I couldn’t blow my nose for two weeks”

Fracturing your sinus is so rogue ngl.

“After a night out, a group of us were sat in my housemate’s bedroom on the third floor of our house. At about 4am, this random man walks into the room and starts introducing himself to everyone as ‘Dan’. Our front door was broken and didn’t shut properly, so he had obviously just let himself in. He wasn’t a burglar, just a drunk man, but it’s safe to say he was escorted out promptly, and our door was fixed the next day”

As IF he just let himself in?

“After a Winesoc event, I collapsed in Fever and was carried out by bouncers and fell asleep on the pavement”

Haha classic Winesoc

“Had too many VKs at Quids in. I spent 30 minutes on the loo in Unit 1. I decided to leg it back home, but realised I wasn’t going to make it so I hid in a bush. Chucked away my boxers and ran home in shit-stained jeans”

What is wrong with you people?

“I was so gone that I confused subway for the bar in TP, and demanded that they get me some tequila”

It’s easily done!

“I went to TP, and woke up covered in period pads stuck all over my body”

I’m not even sure what to say at this point…


Related stories recommended by this writer:

• These are your wildest and grimmest uni night out stories from across the country

I went on every night out in Exeter for a week, and this is what I learned

• Plan a big night out and we’ll tell you which uni you really should have gone to