Everything you know if you have hangxiety

Hangxiety/ Beer Fear, whatever you know it as, that feeling of dread is very real.

Here is how your hangxiety will progress over that next day so there’s no more nasty surprises:

7am

How did I get here? – Whether you wake up in your own bed, the sofa, someone else’s bed or even outside, the first thought as you come round hits you like you’ve woken up from a coma. You can’t remember life before this moment and wonder if you’ll ever piece it together. Who am I, where am I, how did I get here, who is lying next to me, why am I wearing a tutu. After downing 2 pints of water you ‘run’ to the nearest toilet/sink/bush/(water bottle? Not judging but come on) and wee for the first time in what feels like 142 years. At this point dependent on where you are, you crawl back to bed or find your clothes and walk home. Then crawl back to bed.

10am

Wake up again. If you can find your phone it probably looks like Charlotte’s web. It’ll be littered with illegible messages from last night asking where you are and all too real ones this morning from random people you’ve never spoken to in your lectures kindly informing you that “you were such a mess last night ?”

11am

Your housemates come into your room looking how you feel and asking what happened. That annoying friend who had one vodka lemonade and goes home early comes into your room, pointedly stepping over the half eaten cheesy chips covered in bbq sauce (drunkenly mistaken for ketchup) strewn across the floor and asks if you remember waking her up. You don’t.

11:30am

The rest of the house congregate in your room. Stories and messages from last night start to slowly trickle in and you piece your night together. You vow to never go out again. Hearing enough of all the horror that seems to have been the night before you all decide to mooch to co-op for lucozade and pizza.

12:00pm

Still in last nights clothes/makeup/contact lenses you begin the pilgrimage to co-op. On the way you pass someone who keeps staring at you. Everyone goes silent until they pass, then your friends erupt in laughter. “THAT’S WHO YOU GOT WITH” they howl whilst said person is still in ear shot. You wish you could curl up in a ball and disappear but you’re unsure if you’ll be able to get to the ground without throwing up.

1pm

Finally back from co-op you retreat to the living room/back to someone’s bedroom. Close encounter with apparently not so stranger makes you @nervous. What on earth did you actually do? Flashbacks from last night coupled with snapchat stories are too much to handle. Pizza in hand, one of your housemates runs off to the bathroom to be sick. Someone puts on the chase and you sit in silence as you munch your way through the pizza and contemplate things.

5pm

You wake up with garlic sauce smeared down the side of your face, someone has messaged you to say they’ve found your ID. 9 messages from your group project asking where you are “meeting started at 2! Haha, let us know when you’re on your way :)” you message them saying you’ve been at the doctors because your tonsils are really swollen, they all read and don’t reply.

7pm

Club pics come out, new levels of self loathing ensue. Only way to combat is…

8pm

"Pres, anyone?"