I won’t ever get fit at uni

It’s that time of year again. Holiday is booked, Christmas is well and truly over and it’s time to get my bod looking flawless. I’ve got Margot Robbie in Wolf of Wall Street as my laptop background, Kendall Jenner as my phone lock screen, and I’ve bought myself a new CK bralette (they technically count as sportswear, right?). I’m all ready to squat it like it’s hot, except there’s just one teeny tiny problem. I’m incapable of getting fit at uni.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “yeah yeah, this girl clearly has no willpower”. No. There are real, legitimate reasons why I am unable to get fit. Although it may seem like the ideal place to play sport (people are wearing gym clothes everywhere you look), I find the characteristics of uni life to be highly adverse to losing weight and getting fit. So when I come home from uni and my Mum kindly tells me I’ve “filled out a bit”, this is what I tell her.

I’m gym-phobic.

Guys, this is a real thing. I know I’m not exactly obese and I have nothing to be ashamed of by starting at the bottom (and by bottom, I mean 10 squats before collapsing on the floor), but I just can’t stand the idea of working out next to a load of skinny basic bitches who are probably judging my second-hand trainers. Aside from the working out itself, I am the biggest klutz that ever lived, and the gym is extremely hazardous for people like me. The one time I attempted a go on a treadmill, I fell off the end and landed on my cocksis. Not about that gym life.

I’m really bad at estimating portion sizes

If someone can give me a scientific technique of how to correctly estimate portion sizes, I would be forever grateful. My main problem is that I’ll always prefer to cook a “little more” because I can always “have the rest for lunch tomorrow”. The likelihood is that I’ll want to have some seconds, and by the time I’m done with those, there’s not really enough to fill a Tupperware for tomorrow. So, I may as well just eat it all now. Same story, different day.

I drink too much

Everyone knows University is 50/50 work and getting pissed, so I’m going to make sure I thoroughly utilise that 50% and get white-girl wasted whenever possible. Unfortunately, alcohol is full of calories, so it’s the price you pay for having fun. But it’s not just the alcohol itself that keeps me from staying fit, it’s the choices I make when I’m drunk, namely Dominoes and battered sausages. Drunk Me gives zero shits, and I’m in no position to tell Drunk Me what to do.  

Peach vodka is one of your five a day, right?

I’m a broke-ass bitch

Being healthy is just too expensive. I ordered a Tesco shop at the start of my ‘new year, new me’ self-deception, where I ordered courgetti, brown pasta and replaced all my normal snacks with fruit and veg. My shop cost double as much and was half as nice, so I’ve vowed never to buy healthy food again. The gym and gym clothes are also too expensive, and I’d much rather spend my money on makeup. At least my face will look good if my bod doesn’t.

The only sausage I truly love

I’m a feminist

I’m having a constant battle with myself that goes a little like this:

Me: I really want a thigh gap – I better do a workout!

My brain: But why do you need a thigh gap? You only want a thigh gap because society tells you that it looks good, and society is dominated by the patriarchy. Down with the patriarchy!

Me: Fuck it, I’ll just watch Netflix instead.

I have too much work

Everyone needs something to motivate them and keep them working – coffee, fruit, sexytime – for me it’s chocolate. If I have a big essay to write, or I’m revising for exams, I need to have a bag of chocolate buttons while I’m working, and then one ready for after (as a reward, duh). I get 2.1s and the occasional First, so if I cut out the chocolate, I might suddenly fail everything, have to drop out of Uni and work at McDonalds where I will get even fatter. Cutting out chocolate is just not really worth the risk.

The essay essential

I just really love food

Whoever said, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tasted Tesco Finest Pesto. The truth is, everything tastes better than skinny feels. To me, food is not simply something I eat to live, but it is the reason I live. A shitty day can easily be turned around by a cheeky Nandos or a roast dinner. And shitty food is just much tastier than all that healthy crap. In the words of my housemate, “I’ve eaten really healthily today, so now I want something nice”.

I can categorically tell you that these taste better than skinny feels

So yeah, you were probably right, I have no willpower. But I’m graduating soon, so I’ll start getting fit once I’m done with Uni. Maybe.