What your favourite Exeter club night says about you

If you love Moz you’re a posh twat


Here in Exetah, our limited (but brilliant) selection of clubs means everyone is bound to have a favourite. But when you’re slut-dropping and knocking back Tequila shots like it’s your birthday, have you ever wondered what your fave club night says about you? Whether you’re a Cavern dweller or a Lemmy lover, we’ve got you all figured out.

Mosaic

The double-queuing situation at Mosaic means that this club is only for the very committed, or for those BNOCs who are lucky enough to get in through the guest list. The Moz regular has a signet ring and owns a pair of red chinos, both of which he regularly wears while clay pigeon shooting with the Val Thorens boys. He’s the type of guy that will go back to a girl’s house and lie about sleeping with her when all they did was watch The Notebook.

Probably good friends with the Moz guy from public school, the Moz girl is an unashamed basic bitch. She’s the kind of girl that takes selfies and then immediately tells all her friends to like them on Instagram. If you’re ever in the loos, you’ll probably hear her bitching about someone from inside the cubicle.

These girls all actually hate each other

These girls actually all hate each other

Cavern

Cavern, aka a hole in the ground with a dance-floor, is home to the edgier breed of Exeter student. She would have gone to Bristol if she didn’t go here, and she pretends to like dark techno beats but really she jams to Taylor Swift when she’s on her own. She wears her bra as a top, but it doesn’t matter because she has a hot bod so why not flaunt it?

The male cave dweller loves a bit of white powder, which he buys using his pocket money from Daddy. His mouth is covered in ulcers, which serve as nostalgic reminders of Caverns passed. He probably studies Economics, which is the perfect career choice to fund his Coke addiction.

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I luv dark beats

Wednesday Timepiece

Timepiece, the home of “pigeons” and “classic lads” alike, is where you’ll find Exeter’s finest athletes and those who simply want to get with a Lacrosse player in order to cross it off the pledge board. You will only ever catch the TP babe in her social’s fancy dress or her gym clothes, which she will wear on campus without fail even though the only exercise she’ll be doing is walking up Forum Hill.

The TP boys give in extremely easily to peer pressure, which they somehow believe will increase the size of their dick (it doesn’t). The top-top regulars are horny little bastards, either looking for a bit of hanky-panky or just looking to watch others engaging in hanky-panky. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Classic sailing bants

Classic sailing bants

Phoenix

This raver doesn’t mind dancing on their own, which is good seeing as they’ll probably lose every fucking one they came with. The Phoenix goer might dabble in their life, but they’re perfectly content with getting white girl wasted on tequilas and jägerbombs.

The female Phoenix goer spends a good few hours on her appearance, but will no doubt sweat off all that Estee Lauder foundation as soon as she hits the dance-floor. The Phoenix boy has spent his entire overdraft on Ellesse clothing, MDMA and baccie, and he regularly cheats on his girlfriend because he’s just a little prick, really.

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Just trying to cool down

Cheesy Tuesdays at Unit 1

The cheesy-goer got a first in their last essay, and the one before that, and the one before that. They never miss a lecture, and they probably won’t ever miss a cheesys. This partyer doesn’t really like partying, in fact, they’d rather be at home watching a Disney movie with a cup of tea.

But cheesys is the next best thing, and plus, they need to find someone to play tonsil tennis with for an hour or two. Although Arena (yes, I said Arena) no longer sells young-bombs and has VIP tables, the Cheesys regular is likely an Exeter-standard pauper, probably residing somewhere in the Mount Pleasant area.

The cheesy life chose me

Getting wasted enough to dance to “Cotton Eye Joe”

Saturday Lemmy

If you’re at Saturday Lemmy, you either are a fresher, wish you were a fresher or want to fuck a fresher. You’re in the poorer band of Exeter students, so you get shit-faced off cheap VKs and occasionally attempt to break into Lafrowda to no avail.

The Lemmy lover really enjoys the campus uni life, and is the kind of person who insists that the Ram curly fries are THE BEST despite them being exactly the same as Tesco frozen own-brand. They tell everyone if their Yak hits 100 up-votes, and their Yakarma is upward of 20,000 (which by the way, isn’t an achievement).

breaking into lafrowda

When no-one will let you into Lafrowda – we’ve all been there.