One in seven give up on New Year’s resolutions in the first day – so what’s the point?

A poll this morning revealed one in seven Brits ditched their New Year’s resolutions after just 24 hours. This fact alone really makes the whole thing seem a bit pointless.

Now, we get it that the idea of making a resolution could be a positive thing, but if you have to wait until January 1st to make such a menial change to your placid little life, what does that say about you as a person?

Why wait for the dreaded New Years day lunch time resolution conversation with your extended family, at which you’ll probably have to disguise that fact that your actual resolution is to smoke less weed or spend less of your money on 14/1 in-plays?

“New Year’s resolution starts after this bite… Someone help I can’t stop”

After all, a New Year’s resolution, for those that haven’t realised, is simply a way for people that are a little bit shit, to make people think that they’re momentarily a little bit less shit, by proudly stating that they are going to do something like “go for a run at least three times a week for the next year”.

Naturally, a promise such as this will trick you into mentally re-shaping the self-denying excuse for a human being standing before you, into a positive and motivated member of the New Year’s resolutioners. You might even give little bubbly Karen a pat on the back and feel a pang of pride in your heart for this optimistic ball of “new year, new me” ridiculousness.

Realistically, Karen will go for a few 3km shuffle-jogs in her expensive new trainers and offensively tight new gym kit before tweaking her calve, forcing her to take a week or two off to let it recover, before she gets back out there to hit those pavements again with a smile on her face and cake on her mind.

In actual fact, Karen will realise that a life of guzzling after eights and watching shit programmes like goggle-box is far more enjoyable.

‘Going to drink more this year’

Hiding behind the faked injury trick, Karen will pay £40 to go and see a physio at the local leisure centre with no witness to hear the prognosis, to ensure that friends and family don’t think of Karen as a give-up loser who thinks Nike’s ‘Just Do It’ tag line applies to situations such as deciding whether she should have another slice of cake or not.

Ultimately, Karen will get to New Year’s Eve next year and pretend she can’t remember what her resolution was the year before – which could feasibly be true as she gave up 50 fucking weeks ago – before aimlessly spouting about how she’s going to “say sorry more”.

Unless you’re one of these people that are annoyingly motivated and will genuinely do as they promise and realistically don’t need to make a resolution, which believe you me is just as annoying as people like Karen, just settle for the mediocrity of your cold and impoverished student life and just say you don’t have one.

So, before you fall into the trap of promising something that you’re realistically going to approach with the same amount of enthusiasm as a sixteen year old boy attending a family planning clinic, don’t bother.

Opting out of this resolution mumbo-jumbo will in the long run improve your year more than attempting a resolution and failing, as failure is only going to be depressing and will push you closer to being an alcoholic with a 2:2.

‘I’ll sort my shit out next January’