You’ve got a job, at least try not to alienate your hometown mates this Christmas

Why aren’t you excited about the new footpath?


The time has come for the urban and employed to return to their sleepy towns and villages. The home counties don’t see such a mass inward migration at any other time of the year.

It’s been a great couple of months – you landed the city job of your dreams. Well not really, but with your country boy optimism you’re sure great things will emerge from all the copy-writing.

For the first time in your life you’ve been paying your rent on time. Christ, you’ve got so much money you could pay for a holiday for your landlady.

Look at all the employment I have

You’ve finally got some sort of love life. Six months and still going steady with Indy Wodehouse-Ingleby from Hampshire. Your mum is so proud you bagged someone with a double-barrelled surname.

With all this success ebbing through you, crowning you with a glowing golden aura, it’s difficult not be a pretentious dick about your new city life.

When Christmas Eve comes round we’ll all pack into our local with the friends that we’ve managed to keep hold of, the ones we’ve left behind and no doubt, a sprinkling of people who still dislike you for chasing their girlfriends back in the day. Merry as fuck, you’ll think now is a good time to make sure everyone knows that you’re doing better at them at life. Undoubtedly it will all go baubles up. You’ll piss off your mates and you’ll be forever known as the tosser who orders Uber’s as often as he used to buy 10p Freddos at school.

Here’s how not be a city wanker when you’re at home this Christmas.

They don’t want to hear about your creative working environment

Don’t mention your job and how well everything’s going

If there’s anything your ex school mates won’t appreciate it’s you describing the etherealness of your open plan, eco-friendly, sumptuously designed office space. They don’t care that you have bean bags and a calm zone. They certainly don’t care about the pop-up sandwich bar that’s just around the corner and the three poly-amorous, hipster Americans who own it. Not only this, you’ll set off the other city slickers off and the rat race will begin.  “This one time in Africa…”, “my hair’s insured for £100,000”, “I read Paradise Lost whilst high, 24 hours before my final exam”, “did you even go to a Russell Group?”.

Show some genuine excitement for village news

They’ve got rid of the parking tariffs at the local country park. In the eyes of the townsfolk this is nothing short of marvellous. Justice has been done for dogs and dog walkers alike. Family boxing day walks will no longer be overshadowed by the £3.40 parking fee. For your mothers sake at least, you’ll pretend this is the Christmas miracle you’ve been waiting for.

Why aren’t you interested in the new fence?

Don’t diss home turf

To some, home turf is sacred ground. For others, simply a geographical reminder of the birthplace of some horrific sloaney nick names, Prinny, Bongo and Gussy and the embarrassing moments of humble sexual beginnings. Nevertheless, to call your hometown backward is to mock your very origins and will no doubt rub up Rob, (someone who’s never left the county for more than 4 weeks), the wrong way

Don’t relentlessly comment on how dead cheap everything is out of the city

Marvelling at the low price of the pints, the taxis and even your end of night chicken kebab won’t make you a hero. Leave it out yeah?