Our guide to the election in Exeter

Democracy and stuff

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The 7th of May. A date you’re sick of hearing yet? It would be surprising if you weren’t.

The marathon election campaign is at last drawing to a close, and we’ve put our public service broadcasting hat on to bring you a run down of the candidates standing for election in Exeter.

Dom Morris – Conservative

He’s the important looking chap in the middle 

Key policies

– Eradicate youth unemployment
– Invest in transport infrastructure
– Declare war on weeds (no, honestly, look at his leaflets)
– Blocking people on Twitter

Swing needed

+2,722 votes, or around two and a half times the population of Holland Hall.

Chances of winning

22%. Not impossible, but about as likely as walking into a Rugby Union social and coming out with any memory of what happened.

Our prediction

He’s a local lad, and his policies appeal to a substantial group of Exonians. Will give the incumbent a bit of a scare, but come up short in the end.

Vote for him if

You believe in wars on tangible things, like weeds, as well as intangible things, like terror and drugs. Also if you consider deficit reduction and the role of the markets to be a priority, and if you want a PM who looks like a character from Thomas the Tank Engine.

Joel Mason – Lib Dems

He looks unsettlingly Bullingdon Club here… 

Key policies

– Increase NHS funding
– Taking lowest earners out of tax
– The entirely meaningless: “building an economy that works for you”

Swing needed

+9,362 votes, otherwise expressed as roughly half of the people at the Uni who got shafted by the rise in tuition fees.

Chances of winning

0%. The words snowball and hell come to mind.

Our prediction

He’s a fourth year, and seems a nice chap into the bargain, so we wish him the best of luck. However, the Lib Dems are looking likely to get cleaned out nationally, and here is no exception.

Vote for him if

You are a turkey, and love Christmas (they haven’t ruled out further increases in fees.) Also if you you are mildly progressive and believe in investment in early years education – the Lib Dems will do more of it than anyone bar the Greens.

Keith Crawford – UKIP

The gin nose is strong in this one 

Key policies

– Remove Britain from the EU
– Ensure the NHS treats only “British” people
– Close the imaginary door by the White Cliffs of Dover which Farage keeps going on about

Swing needed

+18,013, or the combined ages of the 23 UKIP party members in Exeter.

Chances of winning

0%. There’s more chance of all the immigrants voluntarily walking back to “where they came from”, having all just voted UKIP. Including Nigel Farage’s wife.

Our prediction

He’ll stand there as votes are announced with his purple and yellow badge, attempting to be relevant, and sadly be anything but.

Vote for him if

Every time you get caught in traffic on the M5, you think, “Bloody immigrants”. Also if you want a PM who bloody loves ale.

Ed Potts – Left Unity, Trade Unions and Socialists

Enigmatic 

Key policies

– End austerity
– Place the needs of people before private profit
– Equip pigs with magic wings to fly over the Houses of Parliament

Swing needed

+19,442 votes, or around eight times the capacity of all Exeter’s nightclubs. All of whom would have to vote on exit of said nightclubs, at 3am, when you’ll do anything to make the annoying bloke and his leaflets fuck off.

Chances of winning

0%. Though he may well say 154%. Socialists are so popular they can somehow end up with more votes than the electorate itself. How funny.

Our prediction

Genuinely progressive policies which are doomed to fall on deaf ears in an atmosphere of overwhelming neoliberalism. Did you even bother reading this section?

Vote for him if

You want to cause an absolute riot at a posh dinner party when you’re asked who you voted for. Also if you want to face continual questions about your relevance, something which doesn’t even slightly bother you, as the fervour burns brightly in your eyes.

Diana Moore – Green

Refreshingly mumsy for a politician 

Key policies

– End austerity
– Tackle climate change
– Legalise drugs (which would explain some parts of their manifesto)

Swing needed

+19,151 votes. Good luck, Ms Moore.

Chances of winning

0%, also seen by experts as the likelihood of anyone ever not finding Natalie Bennett’s voice annoying.

Our prediction

People will always vote Green wherever you are, but never in significant enough numbers – ergo, she shouldn’t give up the day job. Also a potential pigeon, which is not ideal.

Vote for her if

You believe in a radical re-working of society in line with more harmonious, holistic principles. Also if you want to be able to go to Our House nights and not have to worry about the hassle of hiding in a toilet to ingest the good shit.

Ben Bradshaw – Labour

A cross between Michael Douglas and Peter Capaldi? 

Key policies

(These can also be found carved into an eight foot high plinth, rather like the ten commandments)

– Continue with austerity, but less harshly than the Tories
– Protection for people in private rents, and caps on rent rises
– Build 200,000 new homes a year until 2020

Swing needed

He is the incumbent, with a cushion of around 2,500 votes.

Chances of winning

78% – about as likely as going into Wednesday TP on the pull, and waking next to only a half empty Dominos box and a cupboard full of regrets.

Our prediction

He’s widely regarded as having done a good job in his time as MP for Exeter, and dissatisfaction with the Tories should be enough to get him over the line. Also rumoured to be a housewives’ favourite.

Vote for him if

You are a sexually frustrated housewife, have had enough of the Tories, or want an MP with a fine track record on both constituency and national affairs.