I find clubbing boring now I’m in a relationship and I’m not sorry about it

Why do we actually go clubbing?

Is it for the crowded sweaty dancefloor, the chance to grind slowly under someone’s armpit to music you don’t really like? Or is it for the over-priced, watered down booze which you’re going to queue for hours to buy before being forced to down it in one before you’re allowed back on the dancefloor?

No. We all know that the real reason we not only put up with this shit, but actually pay copious amounts of money for it is for one thing and one thing only. Sex.

The only reason you’ll pay £4 entry

You can try to deny it. You can say that you “just love to dance” or “that you don’t need to be on the pull to have fun”. And that may be true. But let’s be honest here, you wouldn’t endure the cold and the queue and the costs if it weren’t for the possibility, however teeny tiny it may be, that you may get lucky by the end of the night.

And that’s fine. That’s great. But it also means that when you’re in a relationship, clubbing rapidly loses it’s appeal.

You go out to have sex. Or at least try to. The thrill of the chase and the possibility of the pull are what makes going out so great. The chance to lock eyes with a random stranger to the backing of Mr Brightside, or to finally get off with that person you’ve been sitting next to in your seminar for all this time makes the inevitable hangover and/or walk of shame the next day so worth it.

We do still like to go out. Just together. And before 11.30pm

But if you’re in a relationship you can have sex, guaranteed, without leaving the house.  In fact, you can have sex without leaving your bed, bothering to put any make-up on or paying a single pound. So why, oh why, would anyone waste so much time, effort and money going clubbing once they’ve found someone worth staying in for?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying once you’re in a relationship that you’re never gonna want to go out again. But you can’t expect couples to still want to go out four times a week or stay until the lights come on every time. It’s not that they’re boring or middle-aged, they just don’t need to.

Before you next judge someone else, imagine you were about to go out wearing a chastity belt. A chastity belt you can only take off when you go home. Would you still be as keen to dig into your overdraft to hit the d-floor now?

Couples aren’t boring or gross

A relationship doesn’t prevent you going out and getting loose, nor does it consign you to a life of being nicely tucked up in bed by 10.30 every night. But when you’re in a couple, you’re probably going to want to stop acting like its one permanent Freshers’ Week, and are going to start to take greater pleasure in those cosy nights in.

And that’s OK. So can everyone please stop hating on couples when they say no to a “big one” every now and then. We’re not being boring. We’re just taking the dancefloor to the bedroom. And wouldn’t you do the same if you had the chance?