Mosaic is the best club in Exeter

“But what do you like about Moz?”

“I just do, alright!”

Whenever I tell people I love Mosaic, I always have to defend myself. Yes, if you aren’t wearing a signet ring and chinos you may get heckled for peasantry, but it’s jokes.

Being blessed with little to no contact hours on Tuesdays and Fridays for two terms on the trot can only mean one thing: Moz! Moz! Moz! (Mosaic for the uninitiated, or those who have presumably spent their time at Exeter thus far under a rock).

Like most clubs in Exeter, it helps if you are thoroughly intoxicated before entering this wonderland, however I have been in attendance of this sweat fest sober and can confirm: it still delivers.

Moz is a way of life rather merely a clubbing choice.

The queue

Timing your entry to Moz is a combination of guesswork and sneaky tactics. But that’s all part of the fun.

One week you will find yourself battered and crushed in the queue to attain the privilege of strawpedoing a VK, and the following you may breeze through as if Moses were parting the Red Sea. It’s anyone’s game. But hours spent queueing only heighten the excitement to the extent that you are guaranteed a good night.

Exeter personified 

Once you have survived this human battering ram, you can go unapologetically hard. Yes, you may then be confronted with a second queue to gain that oh-so-coveted access to Top Floor, but you’ve come this far and giving up would signal a real misplacement of priorities.

Should you attend Mosaic on one those rare and enchanted evenings in which you are miraculously confronted with no queue at all, you are so buzzed by the novelty of avoiding this obstacle,a good night is a given.

The drinks

“VK anyone?”

What flavour even is Blue? 

The music

You can’t beat the music at Moz. If the Dirty Beats of Thursday are too much for you to handle then you can certainly rely on MNM (Monday Night Mosaic) to consistently supply the bangers. MNM unashamedly boasts a soundtrack to your white gurl wasted antics, and you love it.

Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy it, embrace it. Where else will your ears be showered with an impeccable remix of Ed Sheeran’s “Don’t” followed by “Baby Got Back”.

Thursday Moz on the other hand isn’t even about the music: just dem edgy vibes.

The people

The beauty of Moz is that due to its relatively small capacity, and the fact that if you’re not on Top Floor… well, why bother: it is always “full”. It is virtually impossible to lose your friends unless they are purposely trying to abandon you. I hate to be the one to break that to you.

One quick circuit of the dancefloor, smoking area, bar and toilets should speedily reunite you with your comrades. Ultimately though the people of Moz are Penny C, Holland, a smattering of Birks and the second and third years who spawned from these halls.

There’s always some lavish toff investing in two crates for his entourage, giving ample opportunity to masquerade as a veteran of Holland Hall and nab yourself a freebie.

The food

Undeniably there is no after party better than that hosted at the Golden Horn. When the lights go up at 2:30/3ish (a surprisingly late finish for Exeter which will no doubt earn you barrels of ‘Lad’ points) everyone wanders next-door for a tray of cheesy chips drenched in the ketchup and garlic mayo they rightly deserve.

Another benefit of Moz being that when the lights do go up you will not be faced with the harsh reality of the guy you were just getting with’s sub-standard appearance as the lights are still relatively dim, part of the edgier vibe. However, should you choose to go to the Golden Horn, the true horror of your bad decisions will be realised.

By this point though, your cravings will have been satisfied so at least you’ll have comfort food to numb the embarrassment.

The smoking area

A hub of middle class rebellion in the form of privately educated smokers from the Home Counties. Yes the smoking area may be small but that doesn’t mean it isn’t mighty. There’s no feeling quite like being squashed between two sweaty rugby players as if you were a chicken on a battery farm, but at least it keeps you warm.

Cigs

Mosaic is undeniably everything Exeter represents condensed into a club. So if you want a great night, with good friends and the promise of some good grub on leaving, go to Moz.