Can everyone please stop crying on nights out?

‘Cos big girls don’t cry. Especially not on the middle of the dancefloor

National noad

Nights out are supposed to be a fun occasion, full of dancing and drinking and on point Snapchats.

So can someone please explain why it seems to be impossible to go on one without at least one person randomly bursting into tears? It’s mind-boggling.

Why? Just why?

The night out will always start out well enough, with a couple of bottles of wine being cracked open and some great tunes being played, and by the time you all get to the club you’re buzzing for a great night,

But then, somewhere between the essential group trip to the loo and the second or third VK, it happens. The waterworks turn on and there is just no way to stop it.

A night out can be ruined at any moment.

And it can be triggered by absolutely anything:

“Me and Jason [the ex-boyfriend from 8 months ago] always used to dance to Little Lion Man. It was our song. I miss him so much.”

“I’m just so happy we’re all here together, I just really, really love you all and the thought of us not all being friends forever is just too sad.”

And the worst one of all:

“I don’t know why I’m crying, it’s fine.”

Please take your pep talks elsewhere

This random outbursts can be enough to reduce the poor friend who is left to deal with this wreck of a friend to tears themselves.

What on earth are you meant to do? You came out to have a couple of drinks, not to offer a counselling session. You’re too drunk for this shit right now.

And where do you take your friend in a club so that they can sob most subtly?

To the bar?

But what if you buy your friend another drink and they just get worse? Or they’re left diluting their Jungbomb with their own tears, wasting the £1.80 you’ve just so generously shed out on them?

Blatant abuse of a sink area which could be used for actual hand-washing

To the toilets?

No. Nobody cares that you “just don’t feel like we’re as close as we used to be right now”. Everyone cares about the fact that they really need to break the seal and you’re hogging that much needed cubicle right now.

And do you want us all to get E-Coli? Then let us actually use the sink for hand-washing and stop blocking it with your group therapy sessions and rendition of Single Ladies.

This only liquid that should be shed in thus cubicle is urine. Not tears

So what then is the solution to this sudden sobbing syndrome?

Just go home. Take what remains of your dignity, slip quietly into a taxi, and you can be in bed with a nice cup of tea and an episode of Downton Abbey in no time.

Wouldn’t you much rather be remembered for your absence than for being that annoying girl who caused all her friends to sober up, hogged a bathroom sink for an hour, and ended up being seen by everyone they know covered in snot and mascara?

Don’t let this be you

There are plenty of other ways you can embarrass yourself on a night out. But for all our sakes, don’t let it be because you couldn’t keep the tears in.

Nobody wants you to cry them a river, then just want to enjoy their night out in peace. You don’t look endearingly vulnerable with a single tear dripping down your cheek. You look a mess.