How to avoid Sabb campaigners

We all know that the Guild elections are basically just voting for the person who has annoyed you the least en route to your lectures.

Your entire existence this week will no doubt be saturated with slogans, videos, social media requests and unrestrained and rampant harassment.

Get used to this sight

Nobody wants a bright-eyed Brian in fluorescent orange stash yelling in your fragile and hung-over ears about who to vote for and why they’re the best.

This is your step-by-step guide of tried and tested  techniques to avoid the hassle and have as peaceful a week as possible.

I just couldn’t be more interested in what you’re saying right now 

I’d love to chat, but I er, have a lecture?! 

The Stop, Drop and Roll

The emergency procedure you learnt at primary school has never been put to use before now but it will certainly come in handy over the next week. There’s no denying that being ambushed by an over-enthusiastic campaigner is akin to unexpectedly catching fire, and it most definitely qualifies as an emergency. So get down and dirty implementing this killer technique.

Instructions:
1) Upon the approach of a ravenous crusader assume your most upright military stance
2) When, and only when, your aggressor begins to speak, gently but briskly lower yourself to the ground. You don’t want to get yourself all dusty if it’s a false alarm so make sure the enemy makes the first move before getting yourself in a fluster!
3) Then simply roll away… (down Forum hill)

Perfect execution of the maneuver 

They see me rollin’

If you find yourself being latched onto, you know what to do 

The Sleepwalker

This is an excellent move which will be a real test of your performance prowess (and a favourite among drama students no doubt). As you reach Forum hill, adopt a drowsy persona and just pretend to lack all consciousness, think Zombie-apocalypse.

No level-headed individual would have the audacity to wake up someone mid-sleepwalking, the repercussions of such rash behaviour could have dangerous implications and would cause a PR nightmare for whichever candidate provoked the incident.

Unstoppable

Don’t smile, and definitely don’t wave 

The ‘Sorry, I’m on the phone’

Simple though it may be, this is potentially the most effective technique on the list.

You probably have your phone handy anyway to lob violently at any representative that tries to intercept you on the way to your lecture. As you are approached simply thrust your handset to your ear and improvise:

“Grandma! We haven’t spoken in years, I thought you were dead…”

Speak to the hand cos the face ain’t listening 

Head Down, Phone Up

An absolute classic.

Though it may seem a little too transparent, if you really emphasize your involvement with whatever is unfolding on your screen and feign oblivion to the world then it may just be your ticket to freedom. Even if it fails, you always have the option of reverting to its sister move mentioned prior.

Not today thanks

The Side Step

‘Pivot! Pivot! Pivoooottt!!!’ As you see a cluster of brightly illuminated and well-marketed individuals, simply rotate yourself to a 180 degree angle and proceed in a shuffling motion until the mob has passed.

This may seem like a shamelessly unapologetic tactic but sometimes it’s the obvious that goes unnoticed.

Safety in numbers… we nailed it

Ideal when the path is blocked and you are in need of a speedy escape

Route Recalculation

This is for the more passive aggressive among you who might feel rude outright ignoring a campaigner yet possess neither the energy nor will-power to pretend you’re interested.

Upon establishing mutual eye contact with a campaigner in the distance take an immediate and unquestioning left, or right, and plough through whatever confronts you. If you have to scramble through a hedge, so be it, just get the hell out of there.

Walk like you’ve never walked before. Don’t look back, don’t stop for cars, don’t stop for other students, not even to pick up a £20 note; this will all only slow you down.

RUN 

Checking to see if your Sat Nav can be programmed to avoid the election campaigns

Top Tip: The side road to the Old Library will no-doubt be refreshingly uninhabited by campaigners all week, so work out in advance if you can reach your destination via this little gem.

If you have a helicopter you can always parachute yourself into the Forum, and failing that, simply just set up a tent in the Alumni Auditorium for the week. That way you won’t even have to endure the mountainous terrain that Exeter is famous for…