It’s 2.30am. You have to be in a lecture in 6 and a half hours. It’s dark, it’s cold and you most definitely had beer goggles on when you get off with that person you once spoke to in a seminar.

There’s only one thing for it: you need food, and you need it now. Fatty, greasy, artery-blocking food.

But where do you go to get your cheesy chip/burger/kebab fix, your one last moment of joy before the hangover from hell kicks in?

We sacrificed our waistlines and our wallets to answer the most important question you’ll ever ask whilst at uni: where is the best place to go to get drunken food in Exeter?

Inside Timepiece Burger Bar

It’s the stuff of legends, Let’s be honest, the possibility of getting a burger from here at the end of the night is often the deciding factor which can cause you to be separated from Netflix for an evening.

Pros

• The smell that wafts around the whole of the downstairs of TP is enough to make you absolutely sure that you’ve never in your life ever needed anything more than that burger, right now, this minute.
• That first bite of the burger- it’s so succulent, so tasty, so, so much better than the sex your mate has gone off to have with that hockey player they met on top-top.
• The servers are really quick, so even if they queue is massive (which it always is) you won’t be there too long

Cons

• A cheeseburger is gonna cost you a whole £3.20, so you’re gonna have to remember to budget that before you give in to that final double vodka-coke.
• There was a distinct lack of cheese in the cheeseburger. The clue is in the name Timepiece.
• There was no ketchup OR lettuce OR onions when we went- how am I meant to persuade myself there is some element of health to my burger if they don’t offer me any vegetables to go in it?

Outside Timepiece Burger Van

This is the place for when drunk you wants validation that you definitely are an Exeter student.

The Pros:

• There are exciting options such as bacon and brie.
• The options for burger toppings are IMMENSE: different kinds of cheese, a fried egg, and a superior selection of veggies and salad to the burger stand inside TP.
• There’s even quite a delicious bean burger for those of the vegetarian persuasion.

The Cons:

• It’s certainly pricier than the burger stand inside TP, although you know where your money goes.
• As is the case with the stand, you’re limited to burgers, so if you fancy some chips then you’ll have to take your business elsewhere.

That random van between Timepiece and Arena

If you decided to resist temptation and not get a TP burger, but then instantly regretted it afterwords, never fear, this random van is here to get you your drunken food fix. Like the  nightbus, it never seems to be there when you look for it, but is always there when you need it.

Pros:

• They give a great amount of cheese. So much cheese. And you can never have too much cheese, it’s a fact.

Cons:

• If you live on campus or close to the uni and are walking back from Arena, you may never actually need to walk past it.

Arena Van

There’s always a queue, so it must be doing something right.

The Pros:

• The lovely lady who works there: She’s been there for you throughout the highs and lows the year, and how shit your night may have been, she’s always there with a smile and a portion of chips to make things better.
• Even the small chips are a decent size, and by the time you’ve loaded up on all the sauces they have or maybe treated yourself and added some cheese, you’ve got more than enough food to soak up the alcohol for you.
• Though other places can be really tight with their sauces and don’t let you do it yourself, there’s none of that at the Arena Van. They have all the condiments your heart could ever desire, for you to apply in whatever combination you choose.

The Cons:

• If you’ve managed to make it til closing time at Arena, chances are you’re gonna have a long old wait to get to the front of the line.
• Chances are if you’re expecting anything more adventures than chips, or at a push a burger, the Arena Van is not gonna scratch your itch, and you’re better off going down the road to TP.

 

Best Kebab

With a name boldly proclaiming to be the finest establishment to get a kebab in the whole of Sidwell Street, you’ve probably ended up in there when the queues for Mega and Raj looked longer.

Pros:

• They give you a really, really good amount of cheese with your chips, which always earns you a lot of brownie points.
• Though they insist on applying the sauce themselves, they will do this on request, however random your ‘one third ketchup, with garlic mayo round the size and BBQ sauce everywhere’ order may be.

Cons

• It can get seriously busy in there so you can end up waiting for ages.
• And if you were thinking of getting a seat, dream on.
• They charge you a whole 50p extra for cheese, and I don’t care how large that portion of cheese was, this is an absolute rip-off.

Raj India

There are few things that go together better in life than Indian cuisine and alcohol, so Raj India is obviously a favourite.

The Pros: 

• Still provides good quality classic drunk food such as burgers and cheesy chips along with exciting Indian options
• Never underestimate the healing power of a greasy onion bhaji or samosas: these unique options to Raj make for a welcomed change to the usual drunk fare
• THAT GREEN SAUCE: what is it?! and why is it so good?? Who knows, but I need it with my cheesy chips.

The Cons: 

Rather more expensive than other options on Sidwell- if you’re feeling impulsive and go for an extra large cheesy chips, it’ll set you back a hefty £3.49.

Megakebab

Pros: 

• First things first, Megakebab is excellent value for money. The portion sizes for chips and nuggets are far bigger than Best next door and it isn’t too expensive. Well done, Mega.
• They also have a huge selection of other drunken treats, including burgers, chicken nuggets, kebabs and pizzas. But really, who has ever had a pizza from a kebab shop when Dominoes is down the road? Who? Make yourselves known!

Cons: 

• A friend of mine asked for a kebab once and was handed chips with a mountain of lettuce instead. Maybe they were having a bad night, though.

 

And the winner is….

Sidwell Fish and Chips

Ah, the sweet, reassuring smell of fried fish on a night out. Seriously though, this place is fantastic and has great chairs (you know the ones I’m talking about).

Pros: 

• Let us give credit where credit is due: you cannot beat chips from a chippie. Chippie chips are far superior to the rubbish served in other fast food establishments: fat, suitably crispy and soft on the inside, doused in salt and vinegar. Other chips cower in the wake of these chips.
• There is more to drunk food than chips and burgers: onion rings, hash browns, perhaps a battered sausage are all on offer here and they are all delicious.

Cons: 

• While there is very good service with classics such as chips, if you’re feeling crazy and go for a more niche option, like hash browns, be prepared to wait a tad longer to satisfy your craving. It’s worth it though.

 

So there you have it -The only guide you need for hungry drunk you on a night out. 

Use it wisely and remember: if you can’t remember it, it never happened.