How brainless promoters are rinsing us with borrowed ideas this summer

As students throughout the land flock out of exam halls, exultant cries roll over Forum hill and brains empty themselves of any kind of coherent thought – as a collective we turn our minds to What To Do Next.

You’ll have the perfunctory all-dayer at the Impy where you manage a brave pint and then get chucked out mid afternoon. You might even go really wild and steal a rubber from the Marketplace.

But remember last summer? That was excellent, wasn’t it?

Maybe not just because it was all sunny and shit. Here’s a side-by-side comparison of some of this summer’s events

Phoenix Takeover

Last year – DirtyBird Blowout

On the bill: Alongside Vandeleur and Josh Toogood, Shadow Child, Kill Frenzy, Friend Within and of course, Kry Wolf all made the cut.

Who’s running it: Thick as Thieves and prolific dance music label Dirtybird (with help from Our House and Beats & Bass Society residents)

How much: £10-£14

Value for money: For a tenner you got a line-up explosive enough to make TaT regulars collectively jizz in their pants. And, before you dissolve in a pool of nostalgic lust, there was a free BBQ. The only downside – they spelled ‘Dirtybird’ wrong on the watermark for the photos afterwards.

This year – Summer Blowout

Who are these women? Why are they swimming?

On the bill: Cuzo, AM, Tonic, Baker Doodles, Luc Barford

Who’s running it: The team that brought us Eton Messy earlier this year

How much: £6-12

Value for money: With only student DJs on the bill, this effort could be seen as the atmospheric equivalent of a wilting erection. However, this year does see the addition of a new stage in the ‘Dirty Secret Garden’ room with new talents like Tom Deuchars (B&B), Trace and Reuben. Not to mention Meatz and Beatz in the distinctly sinister sounding ‘Black Light’ room.

Boat Parties

Last year – Eastern Electrics Boat Party Launch

On the bill: 5imba, Tonic, Budos and Behling and Simpson

Who’s running it: Thick as Thieves

How much: £12

Value for money: Word on the street is the TaT pirate ship is generally regarded as the shining beacon of debauchery on the open seas for a reason. Made all the more notorious for having Behling & Simpson – familiar faces on Bristolʼs bass music scene – in the lineup.

This year – Rock the Boat

Fairly sure this is Croatia rather than Exmouth

On the bill: BBC 1Xtra DJ Jonezy, MC IBZ, OUR HOUSE residents Cuzo & Josh Toogood, Meatz & Beatz

Who’s running it: Timepiece and Clique Mondays

How much: £12

Value for money: Boat sets off from Exmouth, nautical dress (as little clothing as possible) is encouraged… bit of a TaT copycat theme emerging here. For your money you get transport to and from Timepiece, an MC, DJ and drinking games onboard! It’s all verging on a bit naff but thankfully, the complimentary Sex on the Beach cocktail at the afterparty really restores a sense of credibility.

ALSO

Two Trip Pirate Ship

On the bill: TBA

Who’s running it: Thick as Thieves

How much: £14

Value for money: Yes, it’s two quid more than last year. And yes, we don’t know who the acts are yet. But last year’s boat party was so fucking good that surely if it’s worth placing faith anywhere, it’s here. The fact that they sold out the boat twice over speaks volumes – and that they can pull this together whilst organising a ruddy festival.