How to be a wanker in the library
Enjoy people tutting at you? Here’s our guide on how to be THAT dickhead in the library
Deadline season is once again upon us.
Tensions are running high, energy drink supplies are running low and everyone and their dog seems to be in the library.
However, a place that should be a sanctuary of quiet and a great place to study is now riddled with *ahem* total wankers.
Yep, those people who make you reconsider leaving the warmth and comfort of your own home to be on campus, those people who you angrily tweet about (but never confront!) and those people that just want to watch the world BURN.
Fancy joining their ranks? Here’s our handy ‘how to’ guide…
1. Only go at peak times
There’s no point wreaking havoc in the aisles of Amory if it’s 2am on a Wednesday.
2. SPREAD OUT!
Your packet of crisps and phone definitely need to take up the whole desk.
Make sure your bag is on a chair too. No one wants to sit there anyway.
3. No actual work allowed
Who uses the library for work?! Catch up with something on iPlayer, play the Sims, watch porn. Just make sure it doesn’t look like you’re doing ANYTHING productive.
4. Operation plug socket
Use all the plug sockets. ALL of them.
For your laptop, your phone, your foot spa, your rice cooker – all the essentials.
5. Unbelievably shite headphones
Doesn’t everyone want to enjoy Busted’s Greatest Hits even if they’re 4 seats away from you? I know I do!
Don’t have any? Just whack out your speakers and blast the fuck out of silent study.
6. Buy the smelliest, loudest food…
…and whip it out in the silent section. The louder you crunch, the more evil glares you’ll get.
7. Make yourself at home
Take off your shoes, snuggle under a blanket, change into your pyjamas. Anything that makes others uncomfortable, you go for it sista!
8. Conduct loud, mundane conversations
We all want to know how lashed you, Tristan and Hugo were last night. Really, we do.
9. Take selfies
The more the better. Make sure you leave the camera noise and flash on too. People LOVE that shit.
10. Demented typing
LOUD and FAST. Like a grandma on ketamine. If you can create a kind of hypnotic rhythm which sends everyone around you crazy, you’re a GOD.
11. Indulge in some PDA
Go on! Have a full-on grope of your special lad or lady.
Or have a HUGE slanging match while everyone’s trying to work. Everyone wants to know about ‘that Netball slag’ you were grinding with in Timepiece…
12. Fall asleep
The classic and fail-safe way straight to wankerdom.