Now put your hands up: How to be a single lady on Valentine’s Day

If you’re a single lady on Valentine’s Day, here’s how to spend it

the tab the tab exeter valentines day

Notoriously, 14th February is the most sickening of day of the year. All of a sudden, you are completely unable to go anywhere without being met by a mass of over-priced teddy bears, chocolates and flowers – accompanied by disgustingly sweet poems and cringe-inducing puns about relationships.

Though this day may be the highlight of the month for many couples, all you can see when you enter yet another shop that now resembles an eight-year-old girl’s bedroom is how Valentine’s Day is designed to remind you of the fact that you are destined to die old and alone. (Sorry to burst anyone’s heart-shaped bubble.)

Inevitably, this will then lead you to spend the entire day angrily muttering about the isolating nature of consumerism society and the inner failings of modern-day capitalism. However, help is at hand from The Tab! Here, we provide you with some suggestions on how to have an amazing date on Valentine’s Day – with no boyfriend required.

1. Have a date with your cat

Who needs a boyfriend when you have a pet? They offer all the benefits of a relationship, with none of the hassle. They also give great cuddles, keep you warm at night, and steal none of the duvet.

You definitely won’t have boyfriend envy when you are snuggled up with your feline friend, watching a movie of your choice, whilst your unfortunate couple friends are forced to change out of their pyjamas, leave the house in the apocalyptic weather – and all to watch a film they don’t even want to see. It’s official: cats are in, boys are out.

Look at the cat: isn’t it better than any bloke?

2.  Have a friend date

If you don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day alone, there’s no need to suddenly set up a account (we’ve linked it, though, for anyone who still does), or start handing out flyers on the street, simply take a mate out for a date instead.

You are guaranteed to have an amazing time together, as there’s never going to be awkward conversation between you or the embarrassing fight over who will pay the bill. You just get to have a laugh and eat some good food.

You can also experience the joy of walking past all the expensive restaurants filled with couples, safe in the knowledge that you are going to have an incredible Nando’s experience for a third of the price. Fried chicken trumps sex every time. (If it’s bad sex.)

Friend + Ben & Jerry on the sofa: the ultimate foursome 

3. Have a date with yourself

If both cats and friends are both busy with their significant others on the big day, this gives you the perfect opportunity to embrace your singleness and spend the evening doing all the things you can only do when you’re single.

Rebel against the patriarchy: don’t shave your legs, watch Bridget Jones, eat Ben & Jerry’s AND chips AND pizza AND chocolate AND a whole tube of Pringles; spend 3 hours looking at pictures of Ryan Reynolds. (Also learn the Single Ladies dance. It is your right as a free and independent woman to spend the day simply being a stereotypical singleton.)

Or if you’re feeling more adventurous, use the fact that it’s 14th February as an excuse to embrace fourth-wave feminism and spend the evening doing whatever you want to do: read some Germaine Greer, listen to some Pussy Riot, throw darts at a picture of Robin Thicke (we’ve linked a poster-size image). Valentine’s is not the day to be sad about the lack of men in your life; it’s the day to celebrate it.

20 points for the glasses; 50 for the nose

4. Have a date with a stranger

After a hard day of empowering yourself/spending too much time with your cat, you may want to spend the evening interacting with some other humans, and where better to go than Timepiece Friday.

The romantic night of the year is clearly the time to go to Timepiece, where you can and embrace your singleness with hundreds of other young, attractive people. Look good, get drunk and, continuing in the feminist spirit, show everyone what they’re missing.

Maybe you’ll meet the man of your dreams when you bond over the joys of queuing on the steps for the third floor? Or, at the very least, you can have an amazing night out and escape the painfully-sweet sight of your best friends feeding each other His and Hers chocolates.

As long as there’s wine (but not too much), you’ll be fine