Right, here are some top tips from The Tab’s resident lad about how a real man does Valentine’s Day:

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a lad’s lad, one of the boys, a real geezer. Think Danny Dyer crossed with Ray Winstone. If you’re not, this probably doesn’t apply to you.

You’ve probably been too busy boozing and smashing sloots to realise, but its Valentine’s Day today, and to make sure you look like a fucking legend in front of the boys, you should probably sort yourself some gash.

Don’t worry though boys, The Tab’s got you sorted with these tried and tested methods for Valentine’s Day:

Step 1: Pick a bird

‘Phwoar, check out the talons on her’

Tricky one. She needs to be fit – but not too fit, you don’t want to look like a mug, remember, and also needs to be likely to put out after one date.

Ask an 8/10. When she rejects you, claim you were only doing it for the b*nter anyway. As a backup, put some groundwork in with a 6/10 fresher a few days before. She’ll definitely say yes.

Step 2: Venue

Chicken gets the girls #propermoist

You could take her to a stereotypical date location: Monkey Suit or, perhaps if you’re a Holland boy, Bills.

Screw both of those venues, though: Nandos* is clearly the only location for a solid date night. If chicken is good enough for Champ, it’s good enough for you.

*Other fried chicken outlets are available

Step 3: Pre-date

Because this joke isn’t at all old

Get yourself amped up with a quick arms session, get your shagging playlist sorted, and maybe bolt a few to get rid of any pre-date nerves.

Bathe in some cologne and don’t be afraid to go hard on the Lynx Africa. Girls love that shit – as our actual girl says. Also adjust snapback accordingly and flex in front of the mirror to remind yourself you’re the man.

Step 4: On the date

Channel your inner Situation

“Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” is definitely the way forward here lads. None of that compliment shit.

What will really impress her is that you once played for the EURFC 4^th XV, and that your bench is pushing 80kg, so slip both of those in. In fact, talk about yourself as much as possible. Girls dig chatty blokes.

Make it clear that you’re the alpha male – be rude to the staff, don’t talk to her whilst demolishing your whole chicken, and certainly don’t pay for her half.

In fact, don’t even pay for your meal. E.G your plate, smash it on the floor; then walk out like the true don you are.

Step 4: The aftermath

Only gone and made a wanking joke

If you’ve followed my advice up till here, and you haven’t wooed your chosen lady, then I can’t help you; you’re probably fucking ugly and have shit chat.

As a backup, book dinner nice and early – around 6ish – so there’s time afterwards to have a quick cry and a wank (Pornhub premium is free today) before smashing TP.

Disclaimer for your bad chat: Results cannot be guaranteed.