The Tab’s guide to break ups

If you’re going to do it, do it before Valentine’s: #itsnotyouitsme

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The day before Valentine’s Day: the last day in couples’s transfer window, with couples always seeming to break up after Christmas and New Year.

So, for those of you who have are mulling over ending your relationship (please, don’t do it tomorrow), here are some tips on what NOT to do:

Stay off Snapchat

Super awks if you send this to your whole contact book

Though many of us have become self-proclaimed Serial Snapchatters in the past few months (yes Mum, I’m talking to you), breaking up with someone is certainly not a situation which requires a selfie. Anyone who feels that all of those special years together can be ended by a six second photo with a 20 character caption, needs to book into a clinic for help with their addiction.

Besides the fact that it is just plain mean, Snapchat is also an extremely high risk break up strategy. For one thing, the dumpee could blink and miss it – especially if you have set the timer for only three seconds and they have opened it whilst at the gym/on the loo/in a lecture.

Most dangerous for the Serial Snapchatter, however,  is the fact they could so easily perform the dreaded screenshot action and show it to every single person they have/will ever meet, so that the whole world will come to know you as ‘The Guy Who Broke Up with his Girlfriend on Snapchat’ – and let’s face it, no-one wants to be called that.

This is not a time for Twitter or #hashtags


Now we all know the problems which can arise from writing really long letters to your significant other (18 sides front AND back Rachel!) but resorting to ditching someone in just 140 characters is not the solution.

The only way to make this break up worse is to result to slipping in a couple of hashtags whilst doing it, as if these are going to soften the blow. Simply inserting an extra piece of punctuation is not going to make revealing the fact that #icheated, #yougotfat, #youarenogoodinbed any easier for them to hear, even if it does gain you a few extra followers.

More to the point, as fun as it can be to watch Alan Sugar and Piers Morgan battle it out over the social networking site, none of your followers want to have to watch your break up unravel down their newsfeeds- leave the bickering to the professionals guys.

Do not sleep with their best friend

Awkward threesomes are also a NO

Telling your partner that you just don’t love them anymore is always going to be the worst conversation in the world to have, but that does not mean that the solution is to commit an act so awful that they will have to break up with you instead. Coward much?

If you continue to see the Best Friend, it will lead to a divorced-parents-style situation in which you will have to equally split the days you can each visit the said friend on, which is only going to get expensive and extravagant as you compete to make your company more fun than what your ex can offer.

Alternatively, if you leave it as the one night stand which served only to aid your break up, it will cause every trip out, (including even trips to lectures, the gym and the corner shop) to involve acts of stealth, speed and concealment, as you must now do your best to avoid your ex, the best friend, and all of their friends combined.

Moreover, we all know karma is a bitch, so you’ll be left with the constant fear that she is going to take up the ultimate method of revenge and shag your best friend, before using the experience to damage your manhood in every way possible.

When they’re hanging


Life is hard enough after a particularly heavy night in the Lemmy. Your head is throbbing, your stomach is nauseous and it is most probably raining outside.

Even the most minor incident can lead to a complete emotional breakdown, from leaving your teabag in too long, to seeing a mildly cute cat vine.

The 24 hours after excessive alcohol consumption are most certainly not the time to send the dreaded ‘We Need to Talk’ text. It will have taken all their inner strength simply to pick up their phone and read the message. No way are they ready to produce fully formed sentences.

If you want to avoid hysterical crying, excessive violence or being vomited on, save the break up for another day. Or at the very least, take them out for a bacon sandwich before you end it with them. It’s only polite.