Step 1

Buy an old, dilapidated house in Exeter for dirt cheap, cram as many bedrooms as you can into it, do no renovation whatsoever, and then charge the fuck out of them because all Exeter students are rich/stupid/don’t have a choice.

A stereotypical landlord

Step 2

Refuse to acknowledge or help with any problems the tenant may have, and proceed to hide behind equally unhelpful letting agents.

After all, we students don’t need hot water or waterproof houses, do we? And who doesn’t love hideous amounts of damp in their room?

‘It’s meant to look like that’

Or, simply promise to do something and then never follow through because, lets face it, students won’t follow up on things:

‘Nah, fuck it, lets just leave it’

Step 3

Refuse to provide anything new or necessary for the house, despite having done nothing to the house in the first place. For instance, never, ever replace the sofa – one which wouldn’t be out of place in a crack den.

A set of curtains for the only window? Don’t make me laugh! What, does money grow on trees? Full on ignore ridiculous requests like actual chairs for rooms.

Oh, this mirror’s broken? I thought that was post-modernist art

Step 4

“Praise the Lord,” the landlord thinks. “Its the end of the year.” For students, that means them stealing all the deposit for the tiniest infraction.

The Handbook of Landlord Wankers clearly states that sending a £1,500 invoice for ‘Dust’ (not made up) is a mandatory requirement.

And don’t forget to blame current tenants for all the problems with the house. Especially if they were only there for a couple of months.

That will be £1,500, please

Step 5

Sit back, relax, and watch your money pile up for doing sweet fuck-all.

Because, hey, fuck students!