A purple plague is quietly engulfing our campus – and it’s not okay

Forget the war on terror, forget the war on drugs; it’s the war on purple that really needs waging, writes Jack Banister

Purple the tab the tab exeter

Purple, the most disgusting, despicable, dirty colour of all, has been largely absent from our hallowed, leafy green campus since George W. Bush allegedly proclaimed that it was a part of his so-called ‘Axis of Evil’ in 2002. 

However, in what can only be described as the worst plague anywhere ever (even after consideration of the umpteen-thousand strains of the black plague) purple is slowly gaining a new hold on our beloved campus, and we need to wake up.

Treatment of purple under the Bush regime

Firstly, there’s the small matter of the renamed theatres in the Newman Building. Anyone now familiar with them will know we don’t have A, B, etc, anymore. Instead, some complete and utter ignoramus decided to unleash their inner pre-schooler on us all by whipping out the crayons.

Consequently, we now have Newman Blue, Newman Red, and Newman Green, and, in what can only be described as the most ill-considered lecture theatre name in campus history, we also have ‘Newman Purple’. Yes, you read that right: Newman Purple.

Newman – one example where we are overrun by purple 

It’s hard to keep calm about this. In fact, it’s impossible. Whilst those in the upper echelons of the Uni piss away their time worrying about a cheeky sex act at the SSB and dear old Elina, we’ve become oblivious to what is really going on.

We gave the girl a major non-academic disciplinary because her sex-life damaged our reputation, when we should’ve been reprimanding her for wearing a bloody purple bra in the photo shoot.

Filth. Absolute, shame-inducing filth

I wish it ended there, but it just doesn’t. The Forum is meant to be the focal point of our University, our crown, with the Auditorium as its jewel.

Unfortunately, the busiest lecture theatre on our campus is adorned with SATANIC, PURPLE SEATS. WHAT  THE BLOODY HELL WAS WRONG WITH DIFFERENT SHADES OF GREEN, YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER MORONS?

I would rather try and sell a fridge to an eskimo

Unfortunately, this purple plague is not just manifesting itself on our walls and chairs. With distressing regularity, people are actually WEARING the despicable colour.

Students of Exeter, it’s time to take a stand. When you’re at a Saturday Lemmy and you find a girl to go home with, but discover she’s wearing a purple bra, show her the door.

Two ignorami in purple shirts, one with a truly ghastly check

When your mate has a purple stripe on his socks, pin him down, remove them, and torch the godforsaken things. When your lecturer walks in wearing a purple neckerchief, head for your nearest exit. The Tab says no to purple. You should, too.

If there are any other examples of purple infiltrating our campus you would like us to bring to public attention, please, do not hesitate to contact us.

You know what we think