The worst kind of people: fake smokers

George Cheetham lets off steam over something we all see: fake smokers

Exeter Mosaic Smokers Smoking the tab the tab exeter timepiece

We’ve all seen them or know one personally: those people who hang around in the smoking areas of Mozza’s or TP who just want to be seen, fag in hand, thinking it’s the ultimate path to becoming a BNOC.

Of course, the association between smoking and looking good is nothing new. However, the try-hards littered around the clubs – and around the genuine smokers themselves – just end up falling short.

Puffing poser or fag fanatic?

You can always spot a fake smoker (or shall we call them fokers?): the pack bought especially for the occasion – so fresh, in fact, that all corners are perfectly square and half the plastic is still clinging on; the OTT display of inhaling, so rehearsed they could easily be a Drama student; and then the watery eyes and body tensing when they’re holding in the tell-tale cough. Classy. Really classy.

I’m not fussed about the social smokers, the I only smoke when I’ve had a drink–ers or even the part time puffers. No, it’s the characters that float around the smoking area, the ones that like to make it obvious – or try to make it obvious, at least – that they’re smoking (woohoo), and doing so like an absolute pro.

You know you’re a smoking veteran when…

You see, though I do not profess to be an expert in any way, fokers don’t look completely comfortable with smoking (surprisesurprise) and they stand a little awkwardly but still wear an expression that says “I am edgy as f**k”.

If you scratch away at the surface, you’d probably find an alright person that just wants to fit in. I mean, if we are completely honest with ourselves, who doesn’t? Sadly, though, fokers go about it the totally wrong way and have ended up swanning about like Jason Russell.

Maybe just stick to VKs?

As far as I’m concerned, people should do what makes them happy – but when it becomes clear they’re smoking purely for show that’s too far. I once heard someone in TP proclaim “Oh yeah, I have been smoking for ages” before erupting into a heroic wheezing fit. So suave.