Pathetic cowards kow-towing to the whims of the press: why the uni needs to strap on a pair

We have an extremely big, and extremely embarrassing, issue at Exeter University, and it has everything to do with Elina Desaine, the Safer Sex Ball and our national media.

With any luck, there’s a wheezing administrative university bureaucrat reading this, nodding sagely and thinking: “yes, yes; our sexually charged students are bringing shame upon our establishment and that absolutely will not do.”

Unfortunately for you, mate, you’ve got it all wrong. The shameful problem with this university is you.

Yes, you, you whimpering, spineless embarrassment.

I’ll explain why.

Ban this smut: scenes like this are much more infrequent thanks to bureaucratic joylessness

I don’t need to explain the background to anybody reading this; the words “SSB blowjob” and “Slutvian” are enough.

Let’s look at each in turn. First of all, Elina. How daft an idea it was, or whether (as later reports suggested) it was all a joke is utterly irrelevant now – though to be honest, sixteen notches on the bedpost and having three guys on the go at once is very, very far from news-worthy.

The damage was done almost immediately: a light-hearted competition entry blew up in her face and her smiling face was being plastered everywhere with captions such as “SLUT” and “THREE BLOKES A WEEK,” like the modern-day equivalent of throwing rotten vegetables at someone in the stocks.

The university’s first reaction was: “We certainly don’t condone this sort of behaviour, but our main concern at this time is for the student and the impact this may have on her over the long term.”

Which, while a bit po-faced about not condoning safe, consensual sex, at least focused on Elina’s wellbeing.

But then something absolutely terrible, something awful and unthinkable happened: the national press picked up the story.

There was panic in the upper-echelons of the university.

Oh, shit, what are the newspapers saying? Are they implying that we might be some sort of unsavoury institution where our 20,000 strong community of young people sometimes have sex with each other?

Shit, shit, FUCK! Our reputation! Our precious, darling reputation! Something must be done. What were we saying about our main concern being for the student?

Well, fuck that – it’s time to desperately, snivellingly backtrack and come down on this little tart with the full might of the university’s bureaucratic system.

And so Elina was hauled unceremoniously in front of a five-person disciplinary board and charged with a major non-academic disciplinary.

For context, this is the only non-academic procedure which can result in being permanently kicked out of the university, and is what you get lumped with if you assault someone or get caught dealing drugs.

And here, because they’re pathetic cowards kow-towing to the whims of the press, they handed it to a girl who spoke publicly about having a large sexual appetite.

In the past, the Safer Sex Ball has raised tens of thousands of pounds for charity

The situation with the SSB was similar. The news of the blowjob video broke on campus. Initially, it was just funny.

Of course people are boning and licking and sucking; you’re mixing young people with underwear and alcohol.

So there were polls, and jokes, and rumours, and the university taking appropriate action with those responsible for leaking the footage, and – oh.

Oh dear. Oh fuck oh dear. The Daily Mail has written an article. Shit, quick, what does it say? “Squalid”! “Obscene”!

And now more of them are writing articles! Oh my Christ alive, think of the prospective students’ parents. Think of their reactions. Think of the open days. THINK OF OUR REPUTATION.

Who gives a fuck that the SSB raises as much as £40,000 a year for AIDS charities? Or that it was the single biggest World AIDS Day in the UK?

Fuuuuck that. Cancel it. Ban it. Ban the whole shebang. We absolutely, positively, cannot let people think that our students have sex with each other.

I’m sure you see the pattern here. The out-of-touch brown-nosers making these decisions just about break down and go into a panic whenever some reactionary, spiteful finger-wagging from the media comes the way of our students.

It’s absolutely pathetic. And here’s the thing: no-one cares.

How many students, had the university not cracked down on Elina or the SSB, would have applied to a different university instead? About five?

There’s no point trying to change their obsession with reputation.

But they should consider what projects a better image: the whimpering university officials, scurrying to please the Daily Mail, whether that requires slut-shaming or canning a huge source of charity income?

Or a university with balls, that dares to stand up tall and publicly send out a message, saying: “Screw this. Sometimes our students have sex, and that’s fine. We’re going to carry on giving due pastoral care to students who make a dumb mistake, and we’re absolutely going to carry on having massive parties in the name of charity”?

Currently, it’s the former. And it’s very, very embarrassing.