Onesies: we need to call time on this sickening trend
It doesn’t matter how comfortable wearing a onesie makes you feel. It’s making everyone else’s skin crawl
The onesie. I had one once. A Primark ensemble that I bought in freshers to show my new mates how fun and normal I was. When I slid on that fetching brown number, felt the itchy fleece against my cheek, let the antlers on the hood roam free, I fell into such a fit of ecstasy I had to lie down in a darkened room.
Unfortunately, now all that has gone to shit. Some idiot has decided to take the onesie and wear it OUTDOORS. The cardinal rule of the onesie? Never, ever take it outdoors. It’s like a boyfriend/girlfriend you’re ashamed of because they’re physically repulsive – you like them, but no one must ever see them.
You know what I’m talking about. These people are everywhere. A vision of hairy neon green in Saunders picking up a pint of milk. Barney the Purple Dinosaur bobbing around in the aisles of Amory making everyone wonder if someone has slipped a hallucinogen into their coffee. Who decided this was acceptable? Why is it happening?!
The worst offenders are the people that inexplicably choose to wear them on a night out. Possibly in the same category of disgraceful nightlife behaviour as girls in snapbacks, or prescription free glasses. You dodge them all night to avoid the inevitable ‘hug’ where they wipe their face sweat all over you. It gets so hot they have to slip away to the toilet to wring it out into a sink. But, even if its zipped down a tantalizing few inches, the onesie will never come off.
I call it the rise of the onesie wanker. These people aren’t cowering with shame. Oh no, they’re wearing their onesie with pride. Because they’ve just won at the game of ‘who can look less like they give a shit’. They’ve tarnished a hug in a suit with the brush of insouciance in the name of ‘top bants’.
These are the people who ‘really got into dubstep last summer’. Who make Thailand feel like the Inbetweeners Movie and Bestival like Salou. The kind of late adopters who dive on all half decent trends and extinguish any iota of cool from them. They are also highly skilled at immersing themselves in society. Look out for the signs. It could be your mate who wears fluorescent Wayfarers. Bat away his protestations that its an ironic throwback to 2006. It’s not. It’s just another Hollyoaks-watching idiot killing a joke.
We need to do something about this. I propose we all rally together in the streets. Impose a programme of escorting any onesie wankers back to their homes. We can make badges and everything. And if that doesn’t work, get any members of the group with more nihilistic tendencies to impale them on the railings outside Jack Wills to serve as an example to the others.