The Tab Tries: An Honest Job Application
The Tab tries an honest job application for University of Exeter undergraduates.
So why this firm?
Because I’ve vaguely heard of it, and I reckon people might be impressed if I say work for you (and it might help me get laid).
Also, I know you came to the Careers Fair, but I didn’t go because I didn’t want to look like some keen badger in front of the lads.
Furthermore, Daddy might finally be proud of me if I get a job at a big firm.
You were also, like, the first name on the TargetJobs website. Oh and I also really like the culture.
So why this industry?
Because I’ve loved analysing banks’ balance sheets, writing Excel formulas and doing pointless presentations since I was six years old, so you know I’m motivated.
Also, I’ve heard city people make, like, at least £4 million a year with massive bonuses and I really want to be rich.
Also, I’m doing Economics at University so I figure I know all the shit about aggregate demand that matters loads at banks and stuff.
Finally, you see all these old banker dudes with fit girlfriends and I want to get in on that. I’m also really interested in financial markets.
So what skills do you bring to the job?
Well I joined Besoc and went to one of their socials so I obviously know loads about business.
Also, I’ve got tons of experience from when I did two days in a consulting firm following my dad around after my GCSEs.
I’m totally cool with fraud and stuff, so I’m not going to be one of those whistle-blower pigeons.
I’m fairly handy with Maths, and I can use computers pretty well.
When was there a time when you convinced someone of your opinion?
Last Thursday, some of the boys want to go to Arena – when quite clearly the only night on a Thursday is #dirtybeats.
So I simply enumerated all the ways Mosaic is superior to Arena (trust me, it is) and got all the lads to go to Mozzas instead.
Safe to say we all had a beaut night. I f*****g love Dirty Beats.