They aren’t having as much fun as me at uni. Pigeons: they’re everywhere

I don’t know about you, but since we’ve come back from the summer there seems to be an awful lot more pigeons on campus. Just yesterday I was strolling up the hill to The Forum and I couldn’t even find a way through there were so many.

Maybe I missed something monumental over the summer. I was in Trevose for the majority of it, but there seems to have been a change in the pigeon migration pattern, and now it seems they’re here and they won’t just up and fuck off.

You’re probably wondering what the bloody hell I’m on about, as there is no current pigeon epidemic. This is mainly because I am not referring to the ornithological species, of course, but rather the abundance of absolute choppers cluttering up The Forum.

They are the unremarkable, ordinary groups of people who just float around campus spouting inane, pointless drivel about their tame rowing socials at 44 Below, or how you’ll find some of the best people at Exeter in Moberly.

You can recognise them from the fact that their clothes don’t fit, or that they live on some distant road with a name you’ve never heard of. The point is: they aren’t having as much fun as me at uni, and it’s starting to bum everyone out a bit.

It’s not even the fact that they’re unsightly, or even that they’re polluting the main hub areas of Exeter that annoys me about pigeons; it’s that I don’t have a bloody clue who these juans are, or what they’re doing here.

They are the reason you can’t get a table at Firehouse; they are there in front of you in the queue for TP – even though they aren’t going to smash any pints or birds.

They’ll tell you about how “inherently tragic it is” when boozed up, ones-clad rugby boys tell them to chew a pint, as if they’re above it. In truth, though, they’re just embarrassed that Timepiece will have closed before they finish it.

I know the university has taken on many more freshers this year, and this is good for its growth and development as an institution. But it wouldn’t kill them to screen applicants to Exeter based on their potential value to the university outside of the lecture hall.

For all I care they can take their shit banter to Lancaster, Sheffield, or any other metropolitan uni geared towards those with pigeon related difficulties. I even hear Strathclyde University is looking for students ‘with proficiency in Pigeon’.