How To Look Edgy As Hell

It’s Tuesday at Cellar Door and everyone has set aside precisely 52 minutes before the night to make sure they look sufficiently homeless.

Check the girl in the scrunchie and stained shell suit, the guy sporting le Coq Sportif trainers (yes, with Velcro) and a forced expression of complete distaste. These people are your fiercest rivals.

So, mirror mirror on the wall, how can you be the edgiest of them all? It’s very simple: look disgusting.

Standard crowd in the girls’ toilets at Cellar Door…

By all means, shower in a giant marble bath before getting ready to go out. Afterwards, though, be sure to rub a nice, healthy amount of dirt into your roots and other crevices.

In terms of make up, sleep in it. Mascara down the face is really in right now. Clothes-wise? Everything the 90s vomited out. And don’t stop there.

Feel free to stray into the noughties. Go on. Spaghetti strap tops and those big trousers with the bits dangling off them. Chokers? Butterfly clips? Cornrows, even? Do it.

You get extra points for crimped hair…

If people come up to you throughout the night asking what fancy dress-theme it is, you know you’ve succeeded.

Follow these steps and you will look so horrendous at Thick as Thieves that everyone will flick you furtive, admiring glances, and then rush off to the nearest Oxfam the next morning.