Gold Rush: A How-To Guide

It’s here…Aggie Romeril introduces the highlight of any third-year singleton’s university experience.


It is upon us. After a year of trying to justify to your work ethic, your prioritisation of pussy over presentation slides, and a year to come of explaining to future employers that we are nothing like the herpes-clad hedonists the Daily Mail thought we were, campus will soon be swept with the Gold Rush.

Since the balmy summer of 2011, when Drake’s talent for acronyms became absolute justification for outrageous behaviour, students across Britain have begun to grate their final weeks as undergraduates in quest of more than a tidy grad scheme.

The Gold Rush, originally inspired by the upsurge of mining for precious metals and stones in early 19th Century America, now denotes the strategic slaying of premeditated sexual conquests, affirmed by the promised anonymity of “The Real World” come August.

Here at the Tab, we have been players and spectators of the sport, witnessing gladiatorial dance floor feats, clandestine romances crawling from the woodwork and gorgonzola level chat, all in hope of providing our readers with our champion advice.

 

1. Identity your targets

 

…and be creative in doing so. This year has seen the innovative use of Pinterest, congratulatory text messages and one third-year English student’s infamous whiteboard wall of fame.

Select a number which you deem achievable between today and the 20th of July, and place it somewhere where you cannot help to be motivated by the sheer breadth of your carnal ambitions.

We suggest over your aesthetically orgasmic revision timetable. Gold rushers without a cause have been heard to fall to the whiles of East African football players, inhaling a questionable variable of meth and awake up in family homes in Honiton.

 

2. Be strategic

 

This stage of the game sorts the nice from the men. If you’re in quest of some polite pillow talk after grad ball, you may consider spending your time in the hallowed halls of the Forum wisely. Make small talk about library nappers, bitch about the petty selection of Forum sandwiches, all in order to gage the interest of your target.

For those with needs located approximately 2ft below their heart strings, you have a decision to make: the age old battle of persistence or strength in numbers.

For those in the former category: Facebook is your first frontier of attack. prowl those pithy statuses about when their finals finish and gather your harem to storm their waterhole of choice.

For those in the latter category: if your pre-drinks do not resemble a Tarantino pre-climax montage, you’re not doing it right. Decide whether you will circle like ominous great whites or whether, from the second that grubby stamp hits your forearm, you are a lone barracuda.

It may be best when acting as a battalion to discuss reasonable caveats for cockblocking, squeeze-stealing, as well as efficiency in providing condoms perhaps with an already agreed hand signal. The most universally recognised of these consists of meeting the left thumb with the forefingers to create a circle, whilst the right index finger enters it.

 

3. Enjoy the spoils of your struggle

 

No rusher should give up his tenacious work ethic the minute they become naked or horizontal. Put your back into it.