No sex please, I’m abstinent

Lucrezia Slinn argues for and explains the world of being abstinent at University

abstinence Sex

I first became aware of how alien the concept of abstinence is to the majority of students, when a young man declared that I ‘must be asexual’. While most people manage not to make that mistake, it is apparent that abstinence as a practice is very much misunderstood, and in some cases unheard of. Abstinence refers to the act of refraining from something; in this case, from sexual activity. Those who are abstinent intend not to have sex – commonly until marriage. It doesn’t mean that we are lacking in sexuality; it means that we can control it, and generally with great benefits.

At the risk of sounding like your mother, we as students are frequently exposed to media which normalises sex. Fictional characters, musicians and even comedians let us know how common sex is; how it’s reasonable to sleep with as many people as possible, and there will probably be no ramifications. And amongst that, rarely if ever do we see a representation of abstinence in popular culture. In fact, it’s become so out of place that if you ever tell people about it, they think you’re insane. We have created a society in which abstinence is more shocking than casual sex.

So, what’s it like being abstinent at university? It’s a bit like being a vegetarian at a steak house. You’re allowed to throw together a few of the sides while everyone else orders their juicy quarter- pounders, but you’re going to have to put your foot down pretty hard to let the waiter know that you’re not here for the same thing as your friends. And then there’s an awkward silence, and someone leans over and tells you that it’s all right; you can just have chips. Yes, it’s that patronising voice that lays down the law; ‘You don’t have to have the same thing as me, but it’s not going to be a meal without it.’ And it’s true; a lot of students do seem to think that it’s impossible to have a functioning relationship without sex.

But that is not the case. In fact, there are plenty of benefits to abstinence; as a single, or in a relationship. For a start, it answers that niggling question; ‘is this only a physical thing?’ Because it’s not. It’s an emotional thing; a relationship without sex is one where you have to communicate, and you have to be honest. Without the purely physical aspects to fall back on, there’s nothing to do but understand each other. And it can help with self-confidence; you know that when someone wants to be with you, it really is about you, and not your body.

Some may say that abstinence is ‘old-fashioned’, but I don’t see it that way. Society has moved forward, but this sexualised culture isn’t necessarily an improvement. With sex become such an every-day part of student life, we put pressure on ourselves; and on each other. Abstinence is the opposite; harmless and simple, it really is good for you.