Cocaine on Campus: What’s the fuss?

As I picked up this week’s copy of the lefty rag that is Exeposé I was perplexed at the negative prattling within over traces of cocaine found on campus.

Surely I am not the only one who sees this as a positive thing? I mean come on chaps; thank God it was cocaine and not some vile peasant drug like MDMA or ketamine. I felt nothing but relief that the drug of choice on campus is some good old fashioned nose powder.

It shows that at least the drug users at this University aren’t pill popping numbskulls or hippies tripping their balls off. What with the bad press Exeter has had recently, it will be good to see something positive in the paper about our centre of education.

Cocaine has long been the narcotic of choice amongst the privileged of this fine nation, it shows a certain class and breeding to be able to spend £100 on a gram of bloody top notch Aunt Nora for a night out at the Lemmy.

Many a time I have awoken after a night at said establishment with two perfect polo’s of powder resting beneath my nostrils, and the state of my gilet suggesting I took a quick trip to Chamonix; however I’m safe in the knowledge that I partied in that shit-hole like a gentleman befitting my social standing.

Hopefully prospective students coming from my background will see the cocaine on campus as a sign that this establishment is for them and they’ll fit in here perfectly with other like minded individuals able to spend an eighth of a maintenance loan on a bloody corker of a night out.

If it’s good enough for T-Montz, it’s good enough for me.

In the same respect, I can only pray that anyone from a comprehensive will hopefully be put off, realising that they don’t belong here subsequently fuck off to some polytechnic in Manchester where they can ‘pop pills’ and listen to drum and bass in a dark storage facility or whatever it is the plebs enjoy nowadays.

As I write this me and the chaps are beavering our way through some of Colombia’s finest in prep for some top notch Mozzas larks where we punch serfs and afterwards chase tramps with bottles of Moét down the street.

And I’m sure that all the lefty welfare people will continue to be all human-rightsy and harp on about people taking a bit of Barb in the loos, but we all know the real reason why they’re ticked off. Because they’re jealous, because they have to settle with shit weed and bloody trippy, hippy hallucinogens, it’s bloody discrimination against the upper classes all over again.

I’m sick of it, I really am.