F**k you you’re fresh: 3 shallow reasons to hate freshers

Firstly, let me say that I am a fresher myself, albeit one who took a gap year. Yet when I consider my fellow Fresh all I can really wonder is: why do they look so awful?

A large group of fresher’s think it is acceptable to wear hats all the time. Some of these are woolly hats have bobbles on top the size of their own fist. Even writing the word ‘bobbles’ makes me feel nauseous. They offer their hats to their friends, having a good old laugh when they look ridiculous on them, despite the fact that’s how they look on their own heads.

Other headwear offenders include baseball caps garishly branded with the names of events companies. As if we couldn’t tell you work for them already based on your branded t-shirt, lanyard or dare I mention such a hideous piece of clothing, the ‘onesie’. Why don’t you just get the company name tattooed on your face in bright pink instead? It would look far less ridiculous.

The traditional indie fresher is an easy specimen to spot, mainly due to their habitual wearing of t-shirt’s with a miscellaneous photograph printed on it, perhaps of a woman in underwear or historical dictator. Mao killed 70 million innocent people and yet I still have to see his face when you walk past me?

Indie fresh might also wear a pendant/ring/earring/necklace with an object such as a gun or a crucifix dangling from it. These just make you wonder what the indie fresh might be like personality-wise… He likes cruel communists, guns and crucifixion… Approachable or what?

Indie fresh and his/her friends have donned their fluorescent Nike Air Max trainers – which can only be a product of the Chernobyl disaster judging by their colour scheme – and their bright anorak jackets must be standard issue Royal National Lifeboat Institute uniforms as there is no other explanation as to why one would wear such a hideous garment when not at sea.

It’s always a sad sight to see these poor freshers DROWNING in their stash. Do they not own any other clothes. What is for sure is that these stash studs need to stop wearing tracksuit bottoms and trainers with a shirt and pullover.

Worse than these boys are the faux-sporty females who march around in sports leggings and trainers despite the fact their top half is dressed completely normally. Is this pure laziness or do these girls want everyone to think they’re on a mission to get fit, and thus expect us to believe they have either just been or are about to go to the gym in their Polo Ralph Lauren knitwear?

I am tired of seeing these ghastly trends, so please sort it out or I will set the real Ross Kemp on you…once I’ve contacted him.