Shark in the Water

You’ve chosen an outfit, you’ve meticulously put on your face, you’ve finally managed to contort your hair to look just natural and effortless enough, you’ve pre-drunk with countless rounds of ‘Never Have I Ever’ and you’re ready for the night ahead.

You get on the dance floor with the girls: the lights are flashing, the vodka is flowing, and Baywatch is blaring out of the speakers. Put simply: you’re loving life.

Then, they strike. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a dancer of the opposite sex appears by your side and continues to give you what he deems a flirtatious, cheeky grin. If this happens, you have become the victim of a shark attack. You can almost here the Jaws music ringing in your ears, and at this point, you need to flee the scene. And by this, I mean be as obviously uninterested as possible, and get as far away as you can.

Sharking, the new phenomenon to take clubbing by storm is causing an ever-increasing casualty rate. They can strike in one of two ways. The individual shark is possibly the most dangerous: he is able to hover nearby for a while, casually checking his phone, seeming to enjoy the music on his own, while he plans his predatory moves.

Gradually he gets closer and closer towards you, before slipping his hands around your waist and infiltrating the group, without so much as a word. He’ll try it all, winking, smiling, hand holding and grinding while you try your level headed best to escape at all costs.

The best defence mechanism to date is the classic ‘cock block’: find a male friend (or to be honest even a female friend) who is close by and dance with them for dear life (you can buy them a drink later). Hopefully the shark will see his competition is of a much higher standard and head off to clearer waters.

Of course, there are also shark groups to contend with. Wingmen are a classic symptom of shark behaviour. They move in, covering all escape routes, allowing their friend to attempt to make a move. Even if they beg you to give their friend a chance (yes, some are that desperate) do not give in: you don’t even need to watch past the opening scene of "Jaws" to learn a crucial lesson about being the victim of a shark attack late at night.

What’s more, the real attack comes in the persistence of a shark: they will not be put off. He’ll spring up when you least expect it: ladies, he’ll even follow you around the floor.

Now, don’t get me wrong – here’s the honest truth: girls do sharking of their very own. But guys, if they haven’t beckoned you over with their eyes, then they just don’t want your hands on their thighs!!! It’s all about attraction from a distance – saying ‘I want you over here’ in a much more subtle, and dare I say it desirable manner.

If you recognise any of these moves as part of your Saturday night repertoire, on behalf of the entire female population at The Lemmy, I beg you: think again.

Sidling up to a girl from behind, and putting your hands on her tatas is just not the way forward.