Gymspiration: Top Five Most Annoying Gym-Goers

If you believe you may fall into any of these exercising categories, please take note: reform your ways or stop coming to my gym. Most appreciated.

annoying exercise gym

As a regular and most intolerant gym user, I have recently found myself particularly irritated by the presence of certain other people in the vicinity (much like in life really).

Despite a British veneer of politeness, I think the time has come that we address the problem. And so, I would like to dedicate this article to the following:
1. The Grunter
Yes, you’re clearly working incredibly hard, but you sound like the Williams’ sisters having an orgy and frankly, no-one should be forced to listen to that. I suppose at least I don’t have to watch. Whether you are deaf or under the unfortunate assumption that grunting like a pig gives you better results (just to clarify, it doesn’t), the gym is no place for farmyard animals, and just as it is unacceptable to smell like one, you shouldn’t grunt like one either.
2. The Poser
Contrary to popular belief, the gym is not a hot spot for picking up boys. Nobody looks good in sweaty gym kit, not even you who has spent hours mastering the art of ‘natural makeup’. What’s more, just standing around in your carefully coordinated gym kit whilst revealing an indecent amount of cleavage doesn’t really burn too many calories. I also advise that you purchase a sports bra immediately – your current one is clearly not doing the job and no-one likes saggy boobs.
3. The Octogenarian
Why come to the gym to walk at 3.5kph on the treadmill? I’m sorry, but it just baffles me. Enjoying a leisurely pace of life and all, wouldn’t it be more pleasant to take a casual stroll in the park accompanied by your zimmer frame? Furthermore, I find your avid staring disconcerting. I’m never sure whether you’re going for silent encouragement or straight-out perversion. Either way, please stop.
4. The Smelly One
Do you use (a medicated) deodorant and shower regularly? Do you realise you have body odour? Do you know that I (and everybody else in this room) knows that it’s you that stinks? Or do you have no sense of smell? Whatever the case, sort it out. I suggest that you carry round ample amounts of body freshener and Febreze; failing this, visit your doctor immediately. No live human should smell that bad.
5. Mr Muscle
While I do enjoy a bit of eye candy, I don’t enjoy the arrogant dick that stands in the stretching room flexing his muscles and lifting his wife beater to gaze lovingly at his six pack. Am I expected to walk across the room and stroke it? Accompanied by his faithful friend, the protein shake (bolted down like the elixir of life before rushing off to supplement his regime with some tuna and chicken) this specimen is mostly to be found in the weights room with others of the same kind. I am not: it’s too intimidating.
If you believe you may fall in to any of the above categories, please take note: reform your ways or stop coming to my gym. Most appreciated.