Rebecca, with her oh so mystical powers, predicts your star signs for the coming month
The silver lining is just a change in the weather. It’s sweet relief, it’s a small kindness; it’s an appreciation for what you already have. Old friends, family, a roof over your head, food (albeit budget Tesco Value food). It’s a silver lining, no one said it’s going to be better than what you had, it’s not gold, it’s second place, second best – but what’s wrong with that? There are winners and losers in life, so fudging what?! People that say that are just afraid of losing and will spend their days polishing their gold medals and boasting about their past triumphs. Those who embrace the change, accept the silver lining will lead richer, fuller lives because they’ve learnt something valuable in the process. A change in the weather isn’t really that hard to cope with… umbrella anyone?
So you’ve done a lot of stupid things recently. Ever thought about drinking less? (I joke) Drinking aside, so what if you made a complete tit of yourself? At least you had fun, right? Don’t EVER apologise to someone who makes you feel bad for being you, drunk or sober. Tell them to get a life. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. NO regrets. If you’re feeling remorseful, don’t punish yourself. Between you and me, I have done the MOST unmentionable things whilst sober let alone whilst drunk and I mean unimaginable acts of stupidity. Just remember that next time you’re attempting to recall the events of last night and cringing at your sent items full of sexts. Life’s too short.
When you feel like you're so drunk you almost can't see straight a tall dark and handsome (Massive Exeter LAD) will emerge from the crowds to "look after you", as the sun rises your vision will become clearer and you will have an epiphany, this LAD is neither tall, dark or handsome but rather chubbers, slightly ginger and distinctly average in all departments. It is time for you to reassess your life goals.
I bring joyful tidings; as the moon casts a dark shadow over Exeter this week your loud and distinctly unfriendly neighbours will meet an untimely demise in some freak accident. Celebration will ultimately follow whereupon even their own mothers will agree that they were shit lads and didn’t deserve to live much longer anyway.
“I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go…” Every girl reading this knows (a) where this is from and (b) what it means and every guy reading this is thinking what a heap of sugar my horoscope is this week. A word of warning for the ladies – if your boyfriend knows the answers to a) and/or b) he’s probably batting for the other side… c’est la vie. This week is about challenges. There’s nothing worse than a liar, someone who breaks their promises and betrays your trust. We all know one of those people, but why are we still friends with them? Rose did eventually have to let go of Jack to save her own skin (sorry it’s the truth) so maybe we should cut our losses and hope that those hangers on sleep with the fishes (just like Jack) wah wah, quelle dommage.
Things are not going the way they’re supposed to go. So try a different route, maybe your map’s outdated? It’s time to earn your Ellie Badge. No one will answer the questions you don’t ask. Go exploring. Find the words you want to say, the moment you want to say them and don’t think twice. Look I know that sounds like the cheesiest (vom a little bit) piece of generic advice you’ve ever heard and most of you are thinking ohhh that is just so helpful but if you’re reading this and thinking “my god, my horoscope is always, like, so right about, like, my life” then we have much bigger problems than I first thought.
When the chips are down, order them with cheese and garlic mayo (from the van outside Arena). But my post-Christmas belly…I hear you cry…what belly? A positive attitude, my dears, will get you far, simply ignore your belly and you will find that it will go unnoticed. Shame on you for thinking you’re losing your allure…everyone’s attractive to someone…here’s hoping anyway.
Uranus feels sore… how many vodka lemonades did you drink last night? Too many it seems. Oh dear, dear you naughty little lash monkey! Stop all this foolishness at once. It looks to me like your drunken behaviour is getting you into all sorts of hot water. If your foul mouth wasn’t enough, your filthy thoughts are distracting from your studies. I hate to remind you but you’re in higher education, it’s time to get your mind, and subsequently your over-lashed body, out of the gutter.
Too many socials are sending your life down the drain. Your new year’s resolutions have disappeared in a puff of smoke and January is almost over… UH-OH. What the french have you been doing with your time? Carpe mother fudging diem.. I mean don’t get me wrong… live your life, but what about when Daddy’s gold mine runs out? Nightmareeeee. Mummy and Daddy will be awfully upset when your 3 years are up and you have nothing to show for it apart from an impressive bolt time. Summer internships are calling your name.
Life is like a box of chocolates…as if we haven’t heard that a million times before. So what does that mean…your life is a fattening overpriced reminder that Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and you seem to be perpetually alone. Many will tell you there’s plenty more fish in the sea, oh great that old chestnut! Such a glorious piece of eternal wisdom…single or not you never know what’s ahead, so enjoy every single second, good or bad, it won’t be that way for long, it’s just a drop in the ocean compared with the rest of your life. Don’t sink; try not to wallow and just keep swimming.
The Human Race – Why is life one long competition? Why is everyone in such a rush to accomplish things? To get drunk, get laid, get a girlfriend/ boyfriend, get a degree, get a job, get a house, get married. Yet the phrase on every lazy student’s lips seems to be not right now, in a minute, I’m too hung over, I feel sick, I can’t be bothered. MAN THE FUDGE UP!!! Get your diary out, write your important dates and deadlines down NOW and try not to do everything at the last possible minute dear. Plan ahead… life is IN session, don’t let it pass you by.
I don’t know what you expect to find here… your week’s not going to get much better I’m afraid. As it rains in Exeter constantly so do your first world problems rain down abundantly, shall I return this shirt to Jack Wills?, Abercrombie have sent me the wrong size hoody, my lacrosse stick is broken, there’s simply no one to play tennis with. Boo hoo hoo. I predict you need a serious dose of “get a fudging grip” and occupy your time with something more important than some form of sport that makes you such a BNOC…go read something.
Disclaimer: These horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. I, sadly, am not in touch with any cosmic forces of foretelling.