No Rules, No Roof: A Students’ Guide To Sex On Campus
Our sexpert takes a critical look at the best on-campus locations to do the nasty.
There is a time and place for scandal, and that time is now. Is it legal? Probably not. Will your sheepish fleece-clad resident tutor stash it in his wank bank? Probably. We consulted our group of coital enthusiasts as to their top spots on campus to do the dirty.
1. Block party – albeit the most obvious choice, corridors, lifts, kitchens and quads are favoured by many a fearless fresh (the Holland Hall terrace remains reserved for the brave). Be inventive with your surroundings: that ironing board you thought once entirely futile may now have found its true calling. However, be sure to avoid the tell-tale carpet burns, self locking fire-doors as well as any CCTV cameras, unless you don’t mind the porters enjoying a exclusive showing of ‘One Night in Lopes’.
2. Reed Hall revisited – the starlight grounds surrounding the stately home and its scenic views over the valley may scream romance, but watch out for the condemning torches of estate patrol.
3. The Library – we've all seen Atonement. We all know that after too many triples we can convince ourselves that sweating, slurring, stubbled fresher we dragged from the the Lemmy could pass for James McAvoy. Although the architectural chunder that is the University of Exeter Library may have nothing on the Bodleian, its conquest is definitely worth enduring the sneer of its nocturnal residents. We recommend the secluded journals section on floor -1, the long narrow corridors with evenly spaced shelves provide perfect leverage for more ambitious positions.
4. Cardiac Hill – because no one climbs it optionally, you are highly unlikely to be interrupted in the small hours. One student recalls a porter tweezing the remnants of what was once a bottle of Lambrini from a St Tropezed knee cap after a spontaneous act of fellatio took a turn for the worst. Bring shin pads.
5. The rooftops of Pennsylvania Road – for the seasoned exhibitionist, the slanted roof of your first story bathroom is an accepted challenge. Do not attempt this après-Timepiece, if not for fear of death, for fear of the temperamental sash windows. Your ancient guttering cannot support the weight of a cocker spaniel, let alone endure your rampant momentum, so be sure to tread lightly if you ever wish to see your deposit again. Be sure to scan overlooking windows for opportunist photographers , pensioners and our old friend Brett before letting your inhibitions loose above Longbrook Street.
And finally, the don’ts:
• Don't scream the house down – not only will you give the game away, but I have never seen a fox in Exeter, so have fun trying to find an explanation for that one.
• Don't bare all – indecent exposure is a criminal offense, whereas all of the above are just morally questionable.
• Don't be sleazy – being spontaneous doesn’t mean not being safe. No one wants to graduate with a B.Sc in Herpes.