We rated your absolutely repulsive Edi ‘meals’ and Gordon Ramsay would be ashamed of you

You are all idiot sandwiches for these pathetic excuses for meals

As the local cooking queen, as well as a MasterChef US fanatic, I watch a lot of Gordon Ramsay. I follow him on every platform, and I have been known to drunk watch Kitchen Nightmares compilations at 3 in the morning.

Basically, I’ve studied the Art of Being Gordon Ramsay. Therefore, I am the most qualified to rate the horrible, no good, very bad pictures of meals Edi students have made, ordered, or even gotten served at JMCC! It’s a shame Edi students are required to complete a diss and not a cooking 101 class, because apparently, we need a lot of help. So time for you all to be publicly shamed.

1. Grey sausages and wet pasta – 3/10

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Starting off, we’ve got these overboiled sausages on what looks to be plain (if not maybe just buttered) penne. It’s a no from me. If you are cooking your sausages to a point where they are physically shrivelling up to get away from you, give up. Start with chipolatas or other small sausages before you go and destroy an entire pack of full-sized sausages. Also, clean your workspace. 3/10, would eat if I’d been locked in a closet and not fed for 3 days.

1. Beanstravaganza – 1/10

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You know what, had you not topped off your microwave rice with canned beans, this would maybe not be so bad. It would be a struggle meal for sure, but we’re uni students, we’ve all been there. But no. You thought you had something here, and you plated your meal up nice and organised, even including matching silverware. For that, you must be stopped. This is a disgrace to the entire student body.

British people need to stop thinking putting beans on things is a solution. It is not. 1/10, would not eat if you paid me. You could maybe scrape the beans off that rice and save your meal, but it won’t save your soul from eternal judgement.

3. Mystery dish – 2/10

I don’t even know where to start with this one. It looks like an attempt at lasagna, but there are big chunks of something I can’t quite figure out, is it cheese? is it sweet potato? I can’t even figure out if your sauce has meat in it or if it’s so burnt because it’s brown, and honestly, I don’t want to figure it out.

This is a war crime, and honestly, please stay out of the kitchen. Watch and observe other people you may know who can cook a meal before you so much as try to chop anything again. Seriously. Russell Group Unis need to start requiring pictures of food students have cooked before they admit them. 2/10, too mysterious to eat.

4. Grilled tinned hot dogs – 1/10

Another struggle meal. This one might not have been so awful had it not also come with instructions on how to make this, because it’s not enough of a crime that it was made once. No. These boys think we needed detailed instructions on how to grill tinned hot dogs, do you hate yourself? Because only people who deeply loathe themselves buy and eat hot dogs out of a can.

Go on hot girl walks, pamper yourself, and never, ever buy tinned hot dogs again. 1/10, get help.

5. An unholy meal – 0/10

I also can’t cope with Emily. I don’t think Emily can cope with Emily. Do you know who else eats a plate of beans and peas, Emily? Pigs. In the trough. Because they eat leftover trash. I think you get a single point for the colours on the plate (because few things are more boring to look at than brown meals), but this is not a meal. 0/10, stay out of the kitchen.

6. Is it unseasoned chicken breast or pitta bread?? – 3/10

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I’m going to assume a lot of things here, okay. I’m assuming this started as a sort of chicken parm situation—chicken breasts, tomato sauce, and cheese are pretty clear. But then we decided to get creative, didn’t we? Hence the cucumbers and potato chips?

And while I’m sure it was still edible, although the can on the counter tells me the “tomato sauce” was nothing more than cold, canned tomatoes, lots of things are also technically edible. Lava. Cushion stuffing. Gasoline. That doesn’t mean we should eat them, now does it? The next time this student tries to be creative, let’s have it be literally anywhere else except the kitchen. 3/10, would eat if I had to, but I would also probably get violent afterwards.

7. Cursed fajita – 4/10

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Okay, so in the grand scheme of ideas, this person thought trying to fajita carrots, peppers, and chicken together and make a sandwich out of them was a decent one. And we got halfway to success here. Chicken and peppers are essential ingredients to a fajita, and it looks like we seasoned the chicken (always a surprise here!).

And instead of maybe reaching for a wrap or microwave rice, this chef decided to make do, and threw carrots in with the peppers, two veggies with very different cooking times, so those carrots are sure to be still raw-hard, and smacked it all between two slices of bread. No. This is a no, and I’m extremely disappointed. There is no way you are more than 10 min from a grocery store, your failure is your own here. 4/10, and only because it’s actually edible.

8. The meal that should spark a revolt – 2/10

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I have no real idea as to what the mystery burnt things are. Burnt cauliflower? Meat, maybe? Or possibly scorched Quorn or some other meat substitute? I don’t know, and I don’t want to. There is already enough to critique between the decision to make a taco out of corn, burnt mystery protein, and nothing else. No cheese. No salsa, or sour cream. No lettuce, or jalapeños, or anything that actually belongs in a taco shell. No. Corn and burnt mystery tacos.

And, because this is served on a tray, I have to assume this is maybe at the JMCC? Pollock students, you’re paying too much for this. Revolt. Rise up. This is the revolution we need at this school, not a takeover of a lecture hall hosting social science lectures. 2/10. This makes me angry. Wouldn’t eat, because I have dignity, but I would help launch the revolution against this.

9. Pickletini – 7/10

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We needed to end on a positive note, so here is what looks to be gherkin martinis. I could see a lot of people hating on this, but I think it’s a very uni student twist on a dirty martini. When one doesn’t have olives, pickles and pickle juice aren’t a crazy substitution. This one right here restored some of my faith in my peers (although Emily is still enemy number one), and honestly, I hope it was a good drink. 7/10, would drink, and would applaud for the creativity.

Cover picture via YouTube

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