The six types of Edi uni students during The Purge

Spooky season is upon us. The queue outside the bargain store is once again a battlefield, with people fighting over the last semi-offensive nun costume. That got me thinking – what would Edi uni students do during the purge? If this incredibly niche thought also went through yout mind, have no fear: here is a completely scientific guide to how the purge would look in our beloved student city.

1. The students who turn their flat into a bunker

There are some (aka me) too scared to go out and participate. We hide out in our tenement apartments, with the heating off as per, no lights and several chairs piled up against the door. The dreaded sound of the buzzer going off brings terror. But you run the risk of flatmates. Treacherous truces must be formed with your flatmates: no one in, no one out, no one injured. Maybe now is the time to bring up individual locks on the door.

2. Those who go after old vendettas

Purge night is the one night a year you can taste the sweetness of revenge without any consequences. So why not chase down your first year flatmate who made the kitchen a mess? Why not bring justice to the ex boyfriend? Let them know that not buying toilet roll is unacceptable, and that you might have forgiven them, but you haven’t forgotten them. Perhaps they didn’t contribute to the cleaning rota, were too noisy with their Netflix habits, or maybe they simply irked you. Purge night is the perfect night for those vengeful few to seek revenge.

3. The rugby boys would run wild like never before

Let’s face it, every night is purge night for rugby boys. But on actual purge night, beware the rugby boys. Or should we say, rugby herd. Hunting in packs of 15, they roam Edinburgh. Find them in Atik or Why Not for a bit of relaxation in between the mayhem that the purge inevitably becomes for rugby boys. It’s a time for fun, but also a time for hazing the new boys. We’ve all heard the horror stories about rugby initiation but wait til it happens on purge night. And they’ll probably be wearing shorts no matter the time of year.

4. People who want to escape the drama and just go to Arthur’s Seat

Some prefer (aka any mountaineering society or hiking enthusiast) to head for the hills during the purge. Scotland and its surrounding greenery can offer refuge from the hectic chaos of Edinburgh. But be warned, don’t go towards Arthur’s Seat whatever you do. People crowd around The Craigs and Arthur’s Seat as the perfect killing ground. The Meadows are also not safe as the outdoorsy prey upon the people who use the meadows as a picnic spot in the summer, preying on them for their false sense of  ‘outdoorsyness’.

5. The people who have been waiting for the chance to go on a free shopping spree in St. James Quarter

Now, if you’re going out to shop during the purge, you have to strategise. Some risk going to Armstrongs, possibly the riskiest shop to go to during the purge, in the hopes of snatching one of their real fur coats or that perfectly moulded leather jacket you’ve been secretly hiding in the back. The cleverest purge participators go to the quieter locations – the Grassmarket and Teviot place locations practically reek of bloodshed the night of the purge. Others go for slightly more uptown locations – the newly refurbished St James Quarter and perhaps Harvey Nichols for those items that don’t quite fit into your weekly budget.

6. Lecturers would take a well-earned break from teaching – or would they?

There are several different approaches that lecturers take during the purge that deserve special mention. Humanities professors sit down to write memoirs and record events, hoping they’ll be published or hold value years down the line. There are those who create sociological studies, basing research and reports on information learned during the purge. There are also several professors who offer 10% of your grade based on your participation in the purge or perhaps extra credit if you participate in the hopes of slimming down freshers’ numbers in their classes. And finally, there are those lecturers who participate themselves.

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