The ultimate guide to Main Library etiquette​

We're back and we're doing it all over again. It's October, it's cold, people are crying and – sorry to break it to you – but midterms and exams aren't actually that far away.

So, it's time for a refresher course on how to not be a library asshole, because clearly many of you need some guidance.

Stop snacking at your desk

Look, I get it, people get hungry, it's just a fact of life. But it's not okay to eat in the library, it just isn't. There are multiple spaces at uni where you can eat and study at the same time, and many within the library where you can go if you feel like you're legitimately going to die from starvation.

Under no circumstances is it okay to eat anything like a noisy packet of crisps, a flapjack which leaves crumbs everywhere or – god forbid – something gross like a YOGHURT.

It's depressing enough to have to spend every spare moment of time in this concrete prison, without feeling nauseated and irritated, by people with no snack etiquette. Get it together.

This is unacceptable library etiquette

Don't just sit and have a conversation with your friends

Oh you're whispering? That's really cute, but everyone can still hear every word of your conversation. I'm sure you can wait ten minutes until you all inevitably go to Ting Thai for lunch to tell Poppy how irritating Monty was in Gazza's last night. No one else needs to know about it.

This conversation can wait and you know it

Put on deodorant

I should not have to tell people to do this, but here we are. You might think it's winter, or that you don't need it. You might think that it's drafty af on the fourth floor, so there's no way you are going to smell. Hun, you do. Stop.

Get a keep cup and a reusable water bottle

It's already depressing enough to sit in the library day in, day out, but do you know what makes it even more depressing? Everyone around you flexing their single-use coffee cups and single-use plastic water bottles. It's really not that hard.

The perfect desk setup

If you make a mess, clean up after yourself

Look, I know that most people at this uni probably had servants and so aren't used to the concept of cleaning up after themselves, but seriously, there's no excuse to leave your library desk in a state. Why people think it's acceptable to leave wrappers, crumbs and coffee cups all over their desks once they've left is beyond me.

Don't sit at a pod by yourself

WHO needs that much space????

You know who you are

Don't do things that are generally just weird

You know, like sleep in the disabled toilets during an all-nighter, or go for a run around the fourth floor to try and wake yourself up. Don't get me started on those who walk around the library in bare feet. Adhere to the conventions of normal human behaviour please.

Check that your bluetooth headphones are connected

It's embarrassing for you when you realise that your music is playing out loud, and it's incredibly irritating and distracting for the victims of your awful music taste. How long have you been using bluetooth headphones? If it's longer than a day, there is no excuse for this kind of behaviour.

If you're in first year just go back to Pollock

What (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck are first years doing in the library? Live your life while you still can and let the rest of us cry in peace. The audacity.

Go scrape your 40% in the Holland Microlabs

Don't sit there doing all of these things to take pictures for your Tab articles

You're really the worst kind of person.