Here’s why audaciously oversized platform trainers are a godsend and every girl under 5’5″ needs a pair ASAP
Power to the vertically challenged
The height of fashion in the 90s, chunky trainers/dad trainers/stilts – whatever you want to call them – were huge in 2018 and are most definitely here to stay for the foreseeable future.
They may be the Marmite of the shoe-world, but don't let the controversy surrounding them put you off wearing arguably the shoe-world's answer to the best thing since sliced (gluten-free) bread.
If you haven't already got a pair, then read on and kiss goodbye to the near negligible remnants of your student loan.
You can finally see in crowds
Gone are the days of constantly standing on your tiptoes, or perhaps even needing to hop up onto on your pal's shoulders in order to witness anything and everything really. With a few extra inches, you'll be able to experience what life is like for the other half who actually managed to grow after Year 7. The views are fantastic.
Your flares will no longer touch the floor
Following a dutti DnB night at La Belle, you look down and witness a rim of grime and God knows what else lining the bottom of your brand new custom-made Depop flares. It's a Pollock girl's worst nightmare. However, equipped with the few extra inches chunky trainers give you, your flares will remain perfectly intact and above ground level, with no trace of Cowgate or the horrors it entails.
No more being trampled on in clubs
Clubbing can be a nightmare experience when you come up to around the level of your mates' shoulders. Small girls go out knowing true and well they could be stood on or at least whacked about here and there a couple of times mid-sesh. It's incredible what a few extra inches can do when it comes to enhancing your ability to elbow back that annoying drunken fresher who keeps trying to order Watermelon VK's at the DJ decks. Your toes will also be fully protected and love you for it.
You'll feel empowered by your new-found height
With your added inches, you'll find that you stand taller, straighter, and feel more more authoritative in a group comprised of those blessed with natural height. Subservience, mumbling, and second-guessing yourself are in the past – you're a self-assured stilt-wearing Sass Queen now.
They make your legs look incredible
With being vertically challenged comes having naturally squatter and more muscular calves, as opposed to the stick-thin pins of our 5'10 friends. Platform trainers have the same effect as high heels, in terms of toning and slimming down your calves in general, to give you those Kendall Jenner-esque legs of your dreams.
They're hugely on trend at the moment
Part of the allure of chunky trainers is that they are – to all intents and purposes – ugly, but that hasn't stopped the likes of Ariana Grande and the Hadid sisters rocking them. They're eye-catching, easy to pair with almost all clothing, and a great statement piece to take any outfit from casual to catwalk in seconds. From Balenciaga to Buffalo London, there is a montage of different options of varying prices and styles when it comes to platform trainers. Why not check out these Pollock-inspired pairs?
Wearing them is arguably a loose form of exercise
As with high heels, the body's natural response when wearing shoes with a platform is for your calves to tighten as you walk. Overtime, this may lead to slimmer, more toned calves, but don't hold me to that.
Their questionable aesthetic makes for a great conversation starter
This chunky dad trainer trend reminds me of lost property trainers in school man the sight of them makes me feel like I need a tetanus shot
— ?? (@SM814_) December 19, 2018
People might inquire as to why you're wearing stilts, or why you've suddenly grown 4 inches taller, but let the haters hate and tell Paul to leave his dad jokes at the door. Wear your controversial and somewhat "offensive" mutant trainers with pride, and just "accidentally" step on the toes of anyone who advises you otherwise. After all, if it works for Gigi…
You'll finally be able to reach that inaccessible kitchen cupboard
You'll finally be able to reach the Valentine's Day chocolate that you gifted to yourself, the organic chia seeds you bought to salt bae-style sprinkle over your overnight oats, and the fennel seeds you panic-bought having heard they make your boobs grow (disclaimer: they do not work).
With your new-found height comes the ability to fully utilise your tiny flat kitchen and that cupboard full of tat no one uses due to access issues. Looking like a snack and finally being able to reach one, tell me you haven't already got a pair of Fila Disruptors in your ASOS shopping bag at this point. I dare you.
…and, most importantly, you'll get served faster at the bar
Now that you can actually see over the bar, it is far easier to catch the attention of – and flash your tits at – the bar staff. Three Gazza's Specials please, sir.